Through a Glass Merkily

An Open letter of Apology to anybody negatively impacted by my Yes vote on Utah Constitutional Amendment 3

2011-01-15T19:41:00.000-08:00

Good Morning, Day, Afternoon, Evening, or Night, whichever be more appropriate greetings to you as you are reading this.

If you, as an individual, have been negatively impacted by my Yes vote on Utah Constitutional Amendment 3, 2 November 2004, I sincerely apologize.

At the time I did not really feel good about the vote, but I knew it was the expectation of the LDS Church Establishment, whose opinion at that time mattered greatly to me, that I vote Yes on the measure. I have since realized that values, honor, courage, and above all, love, are more important than dogma, fear, intolerance, and hate. I wish I had come to this realization years earlier, as the acceptance of this basic truth has brought me great happiness.

I do not feel it is the role of government to define love. I do not understand how any organization which views marriage as a sacrament allows any secular government to define what is and is not marriage, or requires government to validate said institution. I believe it would be an infringement if the government tried to force a religious organization opposed to gay marriage to perform such rites, but I do not believe this is likely to ever happen, in the United States at least.

Acting in deference to religious and cultural pressures is not an excuse. I realize this, and therefore issues this apology.

Joe

The dream is over...

2010-06-20T11:47:00.000-07:00

So... I find myself wishing there was some way to gracefully become a Utah fan. The problem is, I have always hated fair-weather fans, and band-wagonners. I suppose I should take comfort in something somebody told me at work the other day. I am an Eagles fan so there is no concern of me being accused of being a fair weather fan. I guess the implication would be the Eagles suck.

The truth of the matter is, I have been struggling with feelings of ambivalence towards the Y for quite some time. The truth be told, I have much greater respect for the U as an academic institution. The pseudo-academic nature of some of its pursuits frustrates me. The football team is all that really kept me grounded. Now, likely due to the same frustrations I have with the place, it is being left behind, by a far more modernly relevant rival.

We must honor and remember the past. We must live in the now. We must look to the future. I fear this development, in the arguably marginally important realm of collegiate sports, only forbodes the struggle BYU will face remaining relevant in a world that is rapidly leaving it behind.

So perhaps, a Utah man I shall be. If I could only find a graceful exit...

Musings

2010-04-24T18:49:00.000-07:00

So,

For those of you who do not know me (I realize that was a heck of an assumption to make as nobody reads this blog anyway, and if anyone does, it is highly likely he/she/they does/do know me), I am somewhat a fan of U2. Those who know me maybe a little better, will know that a lot of what interests me about U2 are the political nature of their music and the idealism and activism of their front man.

I have been following a lot of various policy and foreign affairs sites lately (I like knowing what is going on in the world and I also like knowing what people out there are doing to make it a better/worse place) and just went to www.one.org for the first time in a long time. Going there I saw some of the stuff about one causes and I can't help but think of something that has come up several times in conversation with other people abot Bono. I have heard several people remark that they like U2, but they wish Bono would shut up about his causes. I have had people indicate to me they have issues with his causes.

I have occasionally asked which causes they take issue with. The campaign to end extreme poverty? The campaign against hunger? The campaign to irradicate malaria? The campaign to provide treatment for people infected with aids and fight that terrible disease in Africa? I cannot help what wonder which of these causes people find repugnant. I have a hard time to find a good justification for opposing those causes. Especially for people who claim to love and follow Christ. You know, that crazy fellow who wandered about telling people to love their enemies and feed the poor and clothe the naked.

I don't get it. I really don't get it. People are happy to remember the parts of the Gospels that can and probably should be interpreted as being punitive or judgemental. They latch onto Mosaic divine justice and retribution. They want blood sacrifice, forgetting that, at least according to their sectarian beliefs the final blood sacrifice has been made. They remember mercy only when they have cheated on their wives or gotten caught stealing or making some incredibly insensitive comment or the like that is sure to result in checking into rehab.

I wonder what it is that people find offensive about somebody working alost tirelessly to get people involved in resolving some of the greatest causes of human suffering.

Peace.

Joe

Ammended

2010-04-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

I need to stop blogging late at night and in bed and stuff. Actually, I need to start blogging more, but less in a diminished mental state, i.e. sleep deprived and such.

Anyway, the whole purpose of my second point from the "Frustrated" post was meant to be that the only way we have even the slimmest shot at what could be considered even menial success in Afghanistan is with the support of the locals. That will never, ever, ever be won by using harsher tactics. Even now when we, at least ostensibly, care about limiting collateral casualties, we still generally fail colosally, and even when we do not, we do not really have the whole public relations campaign working for us over there, and suspicion and misinformation regarding U.S. intentions and the results of various operations abound.

We need the people on our side. Let me rephrase. We need more of the people on our side. We need much more support from the ethnic Pashtuns. Harsher tactics will not garner that support.

Another sort of sub-point I would like to add to this is Afghanistan will never be Germany. Without public support (Afghan and American), it will not even be Bosnia or Kosovo. Without significant participation from the locals, and without some pretty significant changes in attitude, as well as the general socio-economic structure of the country, it will be impossible to see the U.S. maintain a longterm presence (ala Korea and Germany), in Afghanistan, because it will be way too costly.

At any rate. More ramblings of a fool.

Whatever happens, it will take a lot of work for us to accomplish anything significant over there. It will take a lot of patience, and all the boys and girls who are over there serving the cause must be on their absolutely best behavior.

Peace.

Joe

Frustrated

2010-04-18T21:19:00.000-07:00

I am frustrated.

I realize that I have been doing rather horribly as far as posting goes. I have gotten in a bit of a funk and not really been in that much of a writing mood. Also, I would prefer my posts be at least somewhat credible and more than just emotionally charged junk. I think there are a lot of folks who make a lot of money out there selling semi-truths and dealing in rhetoric. I wouldn't want it even if I was a desired commodity (which obviously I am not). My lack of bona fides makes me feel inadequate when it comes to having an opinion on anything.

I am frustrated. I am frustrated at the inability of people to get outside of their own heads. I am frustrated that people are unwilling to learn from history. I am frustrated that the only history a lot of people out there are interested in is some idealized and mythological dream past where everybody held hands and pranced about flying old glory and singing "Yankee Doodle" and having a time of it.

I am not an intentional cynic. I am some ways feel myself forced to cynicism. I would rather be considered a realist and honest seeker of truth. The problem is, for some people, there is no reality beyond a reality that is based on in many cases nothing tangible at all, and there is no truth beyond their often narrowly acquired truth.

I am not talking philosophy or religion here (although I do believe that some peoples' concept of "religious truth" does limit their receptiveness to the possibility of a worldview or perception that falls outside their understanding of said concept). I mean garbage like only conservatives are patriots and the only real America is somewhere in the "middle" (whatever that means) or the frozen tundras of Mooslaska (yes, I realize this could be viewed as a generalization of the type I am deriding, but I feel the need to make it clear I am not actually questioning the validity or patriotism or Americanism in general terms of anybody falling in these geographical parameters).

I am frustrated today cause I hear people talking about the issues of collateral damage in Afghanistan and pushing for a more bloody policy against the terrorists or insurgents or whatever you want to call them, and I have two questions.

The first question I want to ask is how many children these individuals have shot in the face. That is kind of harsh and graphic, but that is my point. Or perhaps how many children being shot in the face is acceptable. I can tell you that the proportion of the Afghan population that would be categorized as children is extremely high, so children are likely to comprise a fairly significant percentage of all collateral. Women, who in many cases are below children in social status and are equally defenseless also comprise high levels of collateral. People for some reason think it is okay to kill random people with bombs. For some reason the fact that it is impersonal and the collateral so unavoidable make it okay. But the end result is really no different from shooting people in the face. I suppose one could make the argument that by killing people over there we are saving lives over here. I have all kinds of issues with that idea that I may get into some other time, but... This is an ideological argument so, you know, whatever.

The second question I have is why people do not study history. The Soviets used much more heavy-handed methods in their fight against the Mujahideen, and look how successful they were. I am not saying we are the Soviets. I am not saying that the current insurgents are anti-Soviet Mujahideen, except, there is the nasty and unfortunate facts that many of the important people behind what is going on in Afghanistan are the same "freedom fighters" who fought the Soviets, and while we are definitely not the Soviets, and I think our motives and hopes for Afghanistan are generally much more benevolent, the people we are fighting see us much the same. Actually, I think they respect the Soviets a little more, because they were much more ruthless. Regardless, the lesson from history, is conducting military operations without concern for civilian casualties is not an effective strategy for Afghanistan. It did not work for the Soviets. If we were foolish enough to pursue such a policy, it would not work for us. Now, it is true that we backed the Mujihadeen, and that was a key component of their ability to defeat the Soviets. Some would argue that is a significant factor I suppose. My response would be that there are all sorts of people out there who will back the Taliban and everybody else against us.

Anyway. These are just my thoughts on the matter. I believe them sound, but hey, like I said, no bona fides.

Whatever.

I love my country. I love its people. I believe it is the greatest nation on Earth. I do not, however, believe that makes me better than anybody who was not blessed or privileged or whatever to be born here or somehow have managed to immigrate legally. I also do not believe that other nations should not be great. I believe that America's greatness should benefit her people. I also believe that America's greatness should benefit all of humanity.

I suppose the most critical argument among the Left and Right and everybody in between could be expressed in the question: What makes America great? The answer to that question I believe would fairly accurately reflect the sometimes violent differences of ideologies.

Anyway,

Peace, be you blue or red or left or right or completely apathetic.

The Hurt

2010-01-29T22:44:00.000-08:00

I just watched an incredible film. It is called The Hurt Locker. It ie about an EOD team in Iraq. I am not sure that anyone who has not experienced war can fully appreciate the film, but I appreciate it.

I pity those who have not known what it is to be under fire, to put life on the line. I have in my own small way walked the line and I am not sure I know how to equate all that to normal civil life.

There is no way to put in words how it feels to be wakened in the middle of a clear dark night, smoke and powder in the air. To see the tracers overhead. To hear the whistle of bullets passing by.

There is truly a clarity in battle. And though I hate the war, and the futility of it all, there is a part of me that misses the clarity of serving a just cause, and fighting the good fight. I do not believe there is a true soldier living who does not envy the flag-draped coffin.

I am not sure how to reconcile being here, while my brothers and sisters are there, in the crosshairs, or in the cold dark tomb.

Truly there be none who can long for peace as a soldier longeth for peace, yet there is also a longing for the moment of proof, where life hangs in the balance, and the cause is just.

I fear my soul will never know peace as long as there be war, and I am left on the bench, in the wings. Truly I cannot know happiness when I know my sisters and brothers are far from home, and in harm's way.

Nobody can understand war, and peace, honor and freedom, like a soldier. And oh how I feel I have failed to live up to the challenge posed by the suffering and sacrifice of my kin. Whatever god there be, grant me strength to bear my cross, and lose myself.

Greater love hath no man than this, that he layeth down his life for his brother.

How can I know peace when my brothers and sisters are in the dark. In the cold. On the deserts or mountains of distant lands. How can I find joy in my woman's arms, and my childrens' embrace, when my sisters and brothers are fighting and dying.

I long for the day when the sword shall be beaten into the plowshare, and the childrn of men or God or whatever shall know peace.

Truly there is no peace for the soldier away from the fight. How can I know joy when my brothers and sister's are gone.

As they say in Pashto, bas, enough. I have had my time and my time issure to come again. Now is the time to lay up for the harvest. TO strengthen and prepare. The waters are at the banks and the flood shall surely come.

Carpe Diem. Dulce et decorem est, pro patria more. Pur father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.

I shall bide my time and prepare myself.

I am an American Soldier.
I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States, and live the Army Values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will never accept defeat.
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.
I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.
I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy, the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

Time to recommit. To prepare. To know, be, and do.

Civilized?

2010-01-09T11:03:00.000-08:00

I have been fascinated lately with the idea of civilization. It seems that societies have a tendency to determine for themselves what behaviors are or are not civilized and then make an assumption that that is necessarily a standard that can be applied to and imposed upon all civilizations, cultures, and institutions that do not conform to the standards of acceptable civility. Interestingly enough the only real thing that determines the primacy of one set of social and cultural values is inherently superior might, both militarily and economically. Lately I have spent a great deal of time ruminating over whether the modern Western ideal of civilization is actually all that great a thing, or at least the American version of it. I really don’t think I have any good answers yet.

One of the things I find most fascinating is the debate lately about the ability of “Christian” states to adapt to the modern (and inherently better????) and the failure of Muslim states to do so. I personally feel this is a tremendous case of cultural and spiritual blindness and completely disingenuous. Most of the successes of the West I would term to be scientific and economic. The scientific advances occurred, in many instances, in spite of Christianity, rather than because of it. The sectarians, both the leaders and the masses, have been at best antagonistic to scientific progress. True Galileo and Copernicus have been vindicated but the battle with Darwin is still raging. In Evangelical and fundamentalist Christian areas of the United States there is a great distrust of science, and I believe much of this is due to the fight over creationism vs. evolution. So the west has generally been able to accept technology and science, but in many cases it has been in a disregard to the bastions of Christianity. I do not believe that Christian culture inherently led to the great reforms and discoveries of the western world. The brave men and world who made real impact generally either did so in the dark, were forced to recant, were burned at the stake, or were somehow lucky to have been born and worked after the inquisitions and the intellectual purges.

To tie Western economic dominance to Christianity is a travesty. The West has been very successful at subverting some of Christ’s most basic teachings to fit its materialist/economic ends. I am sure if Jesus were to come around today he would definitely say that it is okay to do whatever is necessary to live a comfortable life of more than modest means. Forget the poor and the hungry. They are lazy and stupid anyway so it is their fault they are poor. It seems to me that many Westerners, Capitalists, and honest Churchgoers would put more stock in the words of Ebenezer Scrooge (“Are there no prisons, no workhouses”) than the words of Christ when it comes to our dealings with the poor. Ultimately something will trickle down anyway so everything will be alright. I fear that Western material success has come through extensive and selective forgetting of Jesus’ teachings.

Another thing that fascinates me about being civilized is the detached impersonality by which we kill. I think the motives for war have not really changed since the first hominid clubbed his buddy because he coveted his furs or woman or dog or magic rock or whatever. We tend to try to glorify it and make it look better but basically every war comes down to somebody trying to take something somebody else has or somebody trying to protect what he/she has from being taken. And there may be noble justifications for it. What is incredible though is the extent to which the “civilized” nations have taken war. I think in some ways the world was a much better place when people battled with sticks and knives and swords and shields and whatnot. You had to actually see the man or woman you were killing and get his or her blood on your face. You had to slip and slide and stumble in the limbs and the gore and the blood. But you had to be actively involved in the act of killing. I think it was especially significant that Kings and Lords used to fight along with everybody else. I do not see a superior civility or justness in a system where enemies are killed from afar with big explosions or little bullets or even bigger explosions and men and women completely detached from the reality of war and death make the decisions.

This gets me finally to the Death Penalty, which is what got me going on all this to begin with. I think that if we really have so much confidence on our justice system that it can justly administer death, then it should be done much more judiciously. A sentence of death should be passed by a jury, and carried out as quickly as possible after it is passed. Not only that, it should be such that a member of the jury will be randomly selected to carry out the sentence. If we have the confidence that we have the right and the responsibility to kill criminals, we should feel confident enough in our justice system that each citizen would be willing to pull the trigger him or herself, with no compunctions. It is evident to me that we do not have the confidence in our system to believe that the death penalty is fairly and justly administered, so we should not be doing it.

So these are some of my recent thoughts.

On Sheep and Goats

2010-01-01T03:04:00.000-08:00

I suppose with the coming of a new year the time has come for me to make some explanations. I have been avoiding doing so because I feared such explanations could be painful to those I love and care for deeply. For this reason I have been avoiding doing this. The other main reason I have been hesitant to explain myself is not my desire or intent to challenge the values and beliefs of others. I will to the best of my ability try not to do this. I realize I will likely fail but I must make the effort at any rate.

Firstly, I must say that I am not caught in the throes of some petty juvenile rebellion. Rebellion may be the right term for what is going on with me in the opinion of some out there but it is far from juvenile and I find it offensive that anybody could possibly make such an assumption about me and my motivations. Another concern I have is that there may be those who believe that anybody who turns away from a strict religious system is somehow simply seeking to justify bad behaviors, or rather avoid the guilt inherent in engaging in forbidden activities. I find this idea highly offensive and disingenuous. I suppose it is necessary for those who persist in their beliefs to try and find an explanation that is accessible and understandable and simple. I suppose that if there are any now reading this of that mindset these words are only lost to them because they likely feel I am guilty of self deception. Whatever, I have too long worried about the perceptions and opinions of others. That is not to say that I am not concerned with the feelings and sensibilities of others. I am. I always have been. I have however realized that I need to be able to be honest with myself. Unfortunately my efforts to live a life that is true to who and what I am have the unintended side effect of causing pain to others. I am truly sorry for any pain or heartache my behavior may cause anybody. However, I cannot live my life with eyes tightly shut just to avoid causing others pain.

I am also greatly offended by any thought that the military, or military service, has somehow ruined me. There may be those who think I have picked up some bad habits due to unworthy associations that I have only due to my military service. I assure anybody who has this idea that the vast majority of people with whom I associate in the military are strongly religious and exemplary in the maintenance of their religion, in spite of, or perhaps even because of their service.

My issues are extremely fundamental. The easiest way for me to put it I believe will most likely be the most difficult for others to accept. I have no faith. Religion, or at least the concept of religion with which I have the most experience requires great faith. There is no real tangible support for any one religious philosophy. There are various things, small and great, that can be interpreted, with faith, to support certain religious ideas, but without faith all it really becomes is a mingling of mythology and superstition. To me faith has always been a difficult process. It has been a conscious decision to believe something in spite of the mental concerns I have with them. To me faith has always had to be a conscious effort to believe. I am still capable of this conscious effort, but I have become increasingly exhausted with the process. The western system is based on questioning and searching. To me faith has always meant not asking certain questions. Beyond that it has meant a fear of what the answers to forbidden questions might be. I have always struggled that I have a mind that will not stop questioning. I have grown tired of trying to contain it.

I realize that to those whose belief persists, I probably seem extremely arrogant. I can understand this perception. There are minds vastly superior to mine that are able to accept faith and belief. I have been extremely frustrated because I have tried to find a way to join my intellect with religion and all the resources that have been available to me have basically been written from the perspective that there are some things that are inexplicable from a religious point of view, and that one must simply have the faith to ignore these things and hopefully they will eventually be sorted out. I find myself incapable of doing this. I have spent my entire adult life and perhaps longer living this way and it has been a constant struggle. I have to often felt like I did not belong among the faithful. I tried so hard to be what I believed I was supposed to be. Inside though, I was always empty. I struggled so long to understand in what way I was unworthy. I wondered why I do not feel the way everybody else either truly feels, or at least acts like they feel. I went on wearing my mask and hoping the outward illusion would eventually become the internal reality. Through the years the weight of my dishonesty and deception became painful for me to bear.

Again I must return to faith. Faith is where my failure lies. I have an incredibly difficult time with the concept of a loving God who wants his children to be happy. I have a hard time reconciling the realities of human existence with the concept of some divinely benevolent being. I cannot understand how it is the weakest and most vulnerable, the most worthy of God’s love, who suffer the most. And truly many little children suffer. I have seen too much intolerance and bigotry justified on religious grounds. Religion has far too often been justification for oppression and tyranny. I struggle with the idea that a God who loves all his children equally, would for some arbitrary reason put some in his children in a position where they know only waste and abundance, when so many others have nothing.

Anyway, I fear that I am not saying what I want to and basically any point I may have been trying to make has been lost. I just want anybody who has any questions at all about me and my decisions to realize that there is nothing I have undertaken that I have done so lightly. Actually, I take that back. There have been many things I have done in life solely because that is what you are supposed to do. I don’t feel it. I never have. I do not want to perpetuate something that for me has always required a grand deception. I need to face life without the mask.

On Hope

2009-12-29T21:31:00.000-08:00

So I am a really horrible blogger. I suppose in some ways that is acceptable to me. Primarily beause I believe I rather enjoy the fact that everybody out there can think what he or she will of me and not really have any insight into the real me making such judgements in my mind arbitrary and insignificant. On the other hand I benefit greatly from the process of writing out my thoughts and ideas because it requires me to actually put a concious efforts into which I should pull from the stream, which I should leave, and even which of the netted thoughts I should keep and which I should cast back.

I have been reading a wonderful book called Hope Against Hope by Nadezhda Mandelstam. At the beginnin of the book, before the introduction even, there is a copy of an obituary for Nadezhda Mandelstam written by Joseph Brodsky, a post Stalinist Soviet poet. Brodsky starts out his introduction thusly: "Of the eighty-one years of her life, Nadezhda Mandelstam spent nineteen as the wife of Russia's greatest poet in this century, Osip Mandelstam, and forty-two as his widow."

So basically the book is Nadezhda Mandelstam’s memoir of life as the wife of a banned poet under the Stalin regime. It is a fascinating read. Much of the book has been more on philosophy and an explication of various attitudes prevalent in Soviet Russia before, during, and after various purges. One of the main ideas Mandelstam keeps going back to is the failure of humanism in Soviet Russia. I am fascinated by humanism and therefore find this very interesting. Anyway, earlier I blogged about a book I was reading called The Stalin Epigram by Robert Little about a scathing poem Osip Mandelstam (Nadezhda’s husband) wrote about the one he dubbed in the original version, “the Kremlin mountaineer,” and the aftermath of the poem’s writing. That novel got me interested in the story of Mandelstam and his widow’s memoir is marvelously insightful. It makes me want to study the greats of the Stalin era, Bulgakov, Mandelstam, Pasternak, and many others of whom I have not yet heard. It also makes me want to study poetry. Not just the reading but the writing.

There were some other things I wanted to blog about too but I do not think I will get to them tonight. They are just not quite ready yet, and they are to me quite dear.

Things I hate

2009-11-10T19:33:00.001-08:00

I have been wanting to say something for quite a while. I wanted to explain myself a bit, what has been going on with me. At this point I don't think there is really anything I can say. I fear those I love and care for will not understand or be unable to accept the things I have to say. And I do not want anyone to feel I am railing against something that is very dear to them.

Every once in a while something really ticks me off. I figured I would put some of that out there.

I hate jewelry. I struggle with the material nature of so many western pursuits. I think jewelry embodies it all. Particularly diamonds. Diamonds in the west are worth than the lives of people in the developing world. Diamonds that are so common they should be practically worthless. But diamonds are forever and every kiss begins with Kay and la di da...

So I hate jewelry. I don't hate people who like jewelry. I just don't understand them. I could call it a man thing but I don't think that is it. It is the meaning people put on bright shiny objects. It is the obsession with tiny treasures.

I hate it when people assume that since I am in the military I share their conservative political views. Or I am inherently incapable of valuing liberal values. Just because I wear a uniform most the time does not mean I want to have a "tea party." Nor do my liberal ideals mean I want to burn the flag and smoke some good shit doing it. While I am in uniform there are no politics, my job is my job, my orders are my orders, and I do what I have to. I hope to be part of making the world a better place. That is why I serve. And I do not like the assumptions people make about my personal values and beliefs based simply on the fact that I serve.

I hate narrowmindedness and bigotry. I value and honor and am even sworn to defend the right of people to believe and say whatever they want. I hate it when people get caught up in their own xenophobic paradigm and do not realize they are doing it. If I could do anything to make the world a better place it would be to show people how to see the other side of an issue, the one that they don't understand and don't want to understand. Show them they do not have to accept it or support it or change their values, but I wish I could at least get people to open their eyes.

I hate the romanticised and idealised model of history people are caught up in. I hate the nostalgia for the good old times when the beautiful worked hard and happy and everybody lived their separate but unequal dream.

I hate that there is nothing I can do bout it all. I can scream into the lion's maw and spit into the wind. But my words will only be swallowed in the roar and I will choke on my own phlegm.

Most of all, I hate that I must scream. I hate that I am driven to do so and must do so and can't stop. I seek a madman (or woman) in the wilderness, one I can follow. The only worthy mesage is just a rehash of the only one that really matters. Treat others right. And love.

Perspective

2009-10-18T09:48:00.001-07:00

I think I would have to consider myself a slave to introspection. My greatest difficulties are to both get over myself and get out of myself. Lately I have, as always, been thinking a lot, and right now I would have to say my biggest focus is perspective. I realize I need to put my own life into perspective. I also think a lot of other issues our society faces could be mitigated with a little perspective.

I had to go to a conference for work the other day. I generally hate conferences and this one did not for the most part change my attitude. There was however one aspect of the conference that was very positive for me. We watched a movie called Taking Chance. It is an HBO production, starring Kevin Bacon, that is based on a journal kept by a Marine LTC who volunteered to serve as escort to the body of fallen PFC Chance Phelps from Dover Delaware to his parents’ home town in Wyoming.

It is a heart wrenching film. Bacon does an incredible job. I think this film would be beneficial to just about every American, regardless of his or her feelings on the military or the formerly named “War on Terror” or any of that. I believe this film transcends politics and policy. It helped me put a lot of things into perspective.

The other thing I have been doing lately that has really made me think is reading a book called The Stalin Epigram. It is the dramatization of the events surrounding the composition of a poem titled “The Stalin Epigram” by the poet Osip Mandestam. The poem was written largely as a response to the forced collectivization imposed on the peasants, particularly of Ukraine. This collectivization was a key part of Stalin’s domestic policy and the results were absolutely tragic.

There are two perspectives I see from this novel. The lesser and more petty is I would love to send Fox News and a whole lot of other right wing loudmouths back to the times of the purges in the USSR or the Cultural Revolution in China and let them see what the reality actually is of a brutally oppressive leftist regime. Regardless of peoples’ thoughts about President Obama, anyone who compares him to Stalin or Mao (or Hitler for that matter) is an absolute imbecile. President Obama may be making moves that would push us further left politically, but it is more in the modern German/French/British/Canadian/Swedish etc. etc. etc. version of left, not Soviet or Maoist left. I also think that people should remember that everything being done is being done through the political mechanisms provided by the Constitution and US Code and all that. People are more than free to vote the current government out of power and completely marginalize the President in 2010. I don’t think that will happen personally but, you know, whatever.

The other perspective or perhaps conclusion I am gaining from this reading is I think I want to make my life work the study of Soviet Literature, or perhaps I should say subversive Soviet literature. Considering my favorite works are by Pasternak and Bulgakov, I think I would get a lot of personal gratification/fulfillment from studying these works. I think there are lessons to be learned from the courageous writings of Pasternak, Bulgakov, Solzhenitsyn, and others. I think I will even try to study them in Russian as well as English.

So that is what is going on in my head lately…

Naissance

2009-10-12T18:41:00.000-07:00

It should probably be obvious that I did not deliver on my last promise. What ultimately happened is I realized how stupid and arrogant it would be for me to spout off on something I read in a book as though I have some sort of expertise in the matter. Ultimately I think it was a good read and very informative but I basically concluded that my thoughts were not really necessary. I am a little disappointed actually because I believe a lot of what was in the book was pretty spot on and now I have to live with the burden of knowing. It is so much easier to wander blindly than walk in the light. Especially for a pathetic excuse of an idealist such as myself.

Anyway. I intend to write, I am not sure what I will write. But I intend to write. Post. Whatever. I just have to figure out what is going on. I think I have some ideas but I will have to see how they flush out.

So for now my mind is under construction and this page is a little dusty. Pardon my gray matter. Or dust. Whatever....

Upcoming Posts

2009-07-25T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hello all.

I have been horribly remiss in blogging. I will make it more of a priority. The main reason is I have a tendency to get a bee in my bonnet over something and want to rant about it a little, but in most cases I have no expert or even amateur knowledge/experience with the issue on which I would rant. Also, most of the things I get really upset about are political "like what I perceive to be Republican hypocrisy/betrayal of conservative values (for purposes of disclosure I consider myself liberal, but if conservatism was actually believed in by the GOP I would almost be torn between the two ideologies, but that is for another rant session), or the things that interest me are not all that interesting to most people, like the fact that a lot of Irish people pronounce terminal "t" in words more "th" than "t" (i.e. "whath").

Anyway, part of the reason I have been bad about blogging is I am a lazy sack. Another reason is the fact that I have been occupied with a couple of online classes this summer at Weber State University. For those who actually care, I hate online courses, although things are evidently going well for me, at least from a grade perspective.

As part of my POLS 1100 class (which is one of those lame generals that I probably didn't have to take but wanted to because I am still a little torn between English and Poly Sci for my BA but has been actually fairly enjoyable and informative, though it would have been much more fun to attend lectures) I am required to do some "Get involved" projects, among which are book reviews and essays and all sorts of wonderful activities. I have put this off to the last few weeks of the course and am getting cracking on it. So basically I am going to be posting that stuff on my blog as well as turning it in.

Right now I am reading a book called The Dark Side: The Inside Story of how the War on Terror turned into a War on American Ideals by Jane Mayer. I will be posting my review in about a week or so I would imagine. So far I am pretty impresses. I figured it would be fairly biased against the previous administration (though I prefer the term regime). While the purpose of the book is definitely to point out actions and misteps taken by the Bush government, it also focuses, at least initially, on general administrative failures across the board, both by the Bush and Clinton administrations. Also, so far the information is essentially factual. Many of the key decisions and steps the Bush administration took in prosecuting their "Global War on Terror" are presented as being the wrong ones. Those who think Bush and his people crossed some lines and are truly responsible for weakening the US politically, economically, and diplomatically in the cause of fighting terror will likely be shocked by much of the information presented in the book. On the other hand, those who think the administration was completely justified and successful in all the things it did will be disappointed by the presentation of the information, in that the conclusions of the author are definitely that things went terribly wrong. However, I believe they would have a hard time arguing the facts. They would simply argue that the steps the administration took were well-intentioned and necessary. Overall it has been an incredibly interesting read, although as an idealist, and stauncher believer in American ideals and values, it has made me very angry at times reading some of the stuff that was done. My bottom line is that those who are willing to sacrifice democratic values and institutions in the name of security are letting terrorists win. My actual review will be less biased, but I think I will probably have a lot to say in later blogs about this. Granted, this also probably shines a light on my own hypocrisy in that I feel economic regulation and such are long-overdue and there are a lot of conservatives out there that feel that is a betrayal of key American values. I guess that is why I am a liberal. I care more about protecting human dignity and civil liberties than I do about security and corporate autonomy. Invisible hand be damned.

Anyway, this was just a heads up. I hope the stuff I have to say will be at least informative. My intent is not to spew diatribes in order to achieve high ratings among the grazing masses, just to get my thoughts out there and hopefully provoke introspection.

Joe

In Memoriam

2009-05-25T05:57:00.000-07:00

On the night of 18 February, 2009, my unit was packed into a terminal at Bagram Airbase, waiting to board the flight that would take us on our first leg home. We had cleared customs and gone through all the administrative rigamarole involved in the large movement of troops, and were spraweled about, reading, watching movies on the terminal widescreen televisions, dozing, playing cards, chatting; in general waiting. At about 2300 (I don't recall the time exactly) we were ordered out of the terminal down to the road that enters onto the runway. There was a fallen comrade ceremony. There was quite a bit of grumbling and grousing, but everybody filed out and lined both sides of the road. Many of us lacked the required reflective belt (mandated to be worn by all personnel during times of limited visibility) and joked that maybe the MPs would bust us on our way home. Then everybody quieted down as the headlights made the turn at Four Corners and headed our way. One after another, going down the line on either side of the roadm we snapped to attention and offered our salute as the flag-draped coffin laden HMMVWs slowly passed. Our last opportunity to pay our respects to the fallen prior to departing Afghanistan. Like us, our brothers were going home. Their loved ones were waiting for them too. Their arrival, much like ours, would be greeted with tears and flowers. But instead of joy, these would be tears of sorrow, lament, anguish.

Today is a very difficult day for me. Being a soldier I used to hate the fact that I had never served in combat. It was difficult for me to be safe at home with my family, getting fat and having a good time, while my brothers and sisters were in harms way. I wanted to have the Campaign ribbon on my chest, the patch on my right shoulder. Then I would be able to feel like I had arrived, I had done my part.

The truth is, now it is far harder than it was before. Deployment was hard. Very very hard at times. However there is something special about having a singularity of purpose. There is a strength and comfort in knowing what your duty is, and believing you have the resources and training necessary to do what has to be done. If you don't have the resources, you know you can make do. Every minute of every day is about protecting those with whom you serve. I sometimes miss that singlemindedness, that clarity of purpose.

I watched the National Memorial Concert last night. My bishop told me about it and said that it is about the only thing he watches every year. So I tuned in. It was incredible. It renewed my focus, reminded me why I serve.

It is sometimes easy for the introspective and reflective among us to get caught up in ideologies and policies. And that is important. However, I realized that that is not a soldier's lot. While I do and will disagree with some of the decisions politicians make, that is not my realm. It is not my concern. My job is to uphold the Constitution of the United States, and defend freedom.

One of the pieces performed last night at the concert was the Battle Hymn of the Republic. I love that song. There is one verse that sums up the reason why I chose to serve, my ultimate ideology.

In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in His bosom that transfigures you and me:
As He died to make men holy, let us die to make men free,
While God is marching on.

I joined the Army because I believe there is good to be done in this world. I believe that men and women must be free. Last night reminded me that regardless of policy, I know why I serve. I don't know why, but I have been blessed with so much. I cannot be active in trying to improve the world for the less fortunate.

Perfection

2009-03-28T09:05:00.000-07:00

I am a perfectionist. Those of you who know me may not really realize it. I am not necessarily all that great or thorough in many of the things I do. Therefore I will give my personal insights on perfectionism.

I think that perfectionism is almost like a disease. I suppose it would be more of a mental ailment. When strictly harnessed and reined in it can be a very useful tool. When uncontrolled it can be a destructive monster.

There are, in my opinion, three categories of perfectionist. The first is the one who is totally driven by a compulsion to be as absolutely perfect at something as is possible. Not necessarily as is humanly possible, but as is possible. These are the people who are so wrapped up in the pursuit of perfection in whatever area they feel the compulsion that they neglect the other aspects of their life. They endlessly pursue learning or fitness or the perfect body, often to the detriment of family or work or even health. These people are incredibly successful in very specific aspects of their lives, but they are discontent in their successes. Since perfection is ultimately unattainable they fail. Their drive for perfection destroys them.

There is a second category of people who have a drive for perfection who are able use that drive to progress and grow and attain their goals. They are able to use their desire to attain perfection to the degree that they are extremely successful in what they do. At the same time they are able to put things into a more healthy perspective than the first group, and therefore they have healthier relationships and happier lives. These types of perfectionists are just as driven as the first group, but they are able to, if not accept limits, at least acknowledge them.

I fit into the third category. It is a category of people who are compelled to be perfect in everything they do, but they fear that they will fail in any pursuit they might attempt so they don't try. Their fear of failure is greater than their need to excel. They are often successful to a degree, but they fall far short of their. Where those in the first group of perfectionists eventually burn out, those in the last group atrophy.

Thus I am a perfectionist. I could spend a great deal of time listing the things that I have not done or attempted in my life because I fear I will not succeed. I don't really think I can appropriately it as a fear of failure so much a fear of not excelling. For people like me it is not enough to be good, or okay, or adequate. We have to be great, and the possibly of not attaining greatness is staggering.

It is essentially a case of ego. The problem is, I don't know how to fix the situation. I really feel a compulsion to excel. An example is that I always wanted to be a writer. I can't write though. I do not want to write something mediocre. I don't even want to write something good. It always has to be great. I get totally overwhelmed by all the details inherent in trying to create something perfect that I don't even know where to start. Writing is an exercise. In order to become a strong writer one must write and write and write and rewrite and write some more until there is an outline of something good, and then write some more. My struggle is that every word must be perfect the first time. Each sentence strong. My ego will not let me write something that is not the best, but I realize that is not likely possible, so I do not write.

Pathetic, I know. But how does one go about facilitating a complete mental transformation? How does one overcome such a fundamental personality flaw.

A line...

2009-03-27T19:48:00.000-07:00

So I guess I need to start out by admitting the fact that my last posting "A seed..." probably seemed both arrogant and naive. Arrogant because I realize there are a lot of people intellectually superior to myself (some of whom are reading this) who are able to reconcile their faith with their learning. The naivete in that I am far from the first person to question or to struggle with the limited nature of his or her understanding of things.

I do struggle though. I struggle with the simple things. The things you are supposed to take for granted. It seems we live in a world where we are constantly looking for limits. We are constantly drawing lines in the sand. My struggles are to some degree due to the fact that I have tried to avoid limits (intellectually at least) and to abstain from drawing lines. I am constantly trying to understand things from as many perspectives as possible. Essentially I do not want my own preconceived notions or attitudes to influence my perceptions or understandings of various situations or issues.

I am beginning to realize that there are some lies that must be drawn. There are some assumptions that are crucial to faith, of any type. Those assumptions are lines that cannot be crossed. The assumption that Joseph Smith was a prophet, he translated the Book of Mormon, and he was the instrument of the restoration of the priesthood and Christ's church on Earth, the fact that there are certain necessary saving ordinances that are attainable only through that priesthood, and the acceptance of Jesus Christ as the Son of God, the promised Messiah, and Savior of the world. There are a lot of things that I can easily dismiss as irrelevant because I so not really see a relevance to my personal salvation (such as the role of dinosaurs in God's plan). There are areas that are more difficult for me. I struggle for example with the literalness of scripture. I struggle with the role of personal revelation. I struggle with the disconnect between the Gospel and the Culture.

Basically most of the stuff that bugs me is immaterial and petty. A lot of it does not matter. I guess to me it comes down to a conscious decision on my part to accept the things that I have to accept Take the givens. It has worked out for me so far. I have a good life and I have been blessed. I guess it comes down to the whole faith thing.

I do not know if I really see the spiritual fruits of my faith. However, the fruits of the life I have lived due to my efforts to live by my faith (albeit imperfectly) are very tangible and they are great.

I guess in my case it comes down to simple faith (which for me is far from simple). I don't know if I will ever find answers. I don't know if God will ever give them to me.

So I'm back to the seed...

A seed...

2009-03-19T21:22:00.000-07:00

Well,

I haven't posted for a while. I have been contemplating many things and I have balked at trying to broach the topics that interest or concern me at this point in my life. I struggle with my inadequacy at expressing myself. Anyway. I figured I would give it a shot.

First off, some housekeeping type business. I have opened my blog. Mainly because I am no longer in Afghanistan and therefore unlikely to accidentally let something slip that could compromise "operational security" (although it is not my intent to focus on military type issues or expound on my own personal military experiences, though they have to a great degree been critical to the formation of my current concept of self). Also, I have occasionally feared that some of my thoughts could possibly be viewed as being overly politically opinionated for a member of the military (although I have never ever ever intended to speak as a military person). So if anybody is actually reading this, and feels that someone he or she knows might be interested in a certain topic or posting or whatever, it is now shareable.

I know the title of my blog "Merklemania" is silly, but I will explain it. I had the privilege of serving in the Siberian city of Tomsk for around 9 months as a missionary. In the late 90s Siberia was a bit behind western Russia in a lot of things so a lot of things Communist (such as the statues of Lenin) were still standing. I was walking to district meeting with my companion, two elders, and two sisters (basically my district) and we happened to traverse Lenin Square. At that time Lenin was still standing there (and he may still be). I commented that one day, in the future, my statue would be standing in Lenin's place. One of the sisters (who is Ukrainian) commented that I was suffering from delusions of grandeur. In Russian that is more literally stated "mania of greatness". Thus, Merkle-mania. Now to get the train back on the tracks.

I am about to touch on something that is pretty sensitive. I am doing so mainly because I want some ideas from people out there regarding what I have to say. The topic is one that is to most, considered untouchable, so I ask for some patience and understanding in this.

In Alma 32 (in The Book of Mormon) Alma says that faith is like a seed. You plant it and nurture it and if you do everything it will grow and the fruit will be great. I am honestly getting to the point in my life that I feel I have been watering and watering and waiting... And the only real fruit I see is more faith. Not denying that I am blessed and I feel a divine hand in my life, but I don't know that I can attribute that necessarily to a certain (what seems to me) restrictive and dogmatic concept of God. I am not, in saying this, declaring open war on religion, or my own particular religion, I am just trying to come to grips with myself and God and the universe and everything.

I struggle because I feel I am being torn in two all the time. I guess it is the whole two masters thing. I know there are many people wiser and intellectually superior to college degree not holding me who handle the whole religion thing fairly well, so I am interested on whatever input you might have. Please, however, I beg, plead, exhort, beg, do not answer my questions or concerns with a testimony or the response that I just need to have more faith. I understand that perspective. I struggle with discussing serious matters with religious people due to the fact that it seems people are trained to respond to question with something along the lines of "I know without a shadow of a doubt from the depths of my soul that..." Not to denigrate the faith or beliefs that I know are very important to a lot of people out there, but I understand that perspective, in fact it is the very thing I find myself struggling with.

My battle is between two powers that are very important to me. Faith and reason. I feel torn because what I have been taught to believe, and generally accepted in the past, to be a loving, fatherly god-figure, gave me a brain that is constantly asking questions. He gave me (all humans really) the ability to question and judge and to some degree understand. And then it seems he expects me to turn that whole part of me off whenever it comes to anything that could possibly fall into the strictures of a certain religion, which is guess is really the crux of my problem. Maybe it is because I feel I am living in a very myopic culture, overly dependent on conventions that I do not be leave to be inherent in the Law or the Good News, or the divine Plan. Maybe I have had excessive exposure to the outside world, Babylon, call it what you will, and seen too much beauty and good external to the ranks of the Chosen or the Righteous or the Saints. Maybe I am just deficient. A lot of "religious" types tend to think that if you struggle or you question that you are somehow either deficient, or a serious sinner. I do not consider myself perfect, but I do not think I am a heavy sinner, nor do I feel I am deficient, so I am putting my thoughts out there to get feedback from people I respect, not only personally, but also intellectually.

It seems to me the more organized a religion is, the stricter and more confining its definition of divinity is, and also the greater it conflicts with science.

I guess the clearest example to me is the conflict between Christ and Darwin. More appropriately the conflict between the "followers" of Jesus, and the "disciples" of Darwin. It seems to me that is the clearest line of demarcation between religion and reason. Or at least between the more highly structured conservative Christian type religions and science. People read in the Bible (which many in the first group strongly, strongly believe to be completely and definitely literally true and infallible) that man was created on day six in the image of God, and they accept that to be unassailable truth, and therefore not only discount the theory of evolution in its entirety, along with things like natural selection, but pretty much a great deal of biological and social science progress that has developed since Darwin.

I am not saying I necessarily believe that man came down from monkeys who came down from some sort of less complex mammal who came down from some sort of proto-mammalian reptile who came down from some sort of amphibian who came from some sort of soup who came down from a bunch of goopy cells millions-billions of years ago. What I struggle with is the idea that the things we are able to observe personally, first-hand, like the fossil record, all kinds of anthropological, geological, and tangible stuff are often put in direct conflict, by religious people, with deity, and at the same time all things divine or deistic are under steady assault by men and women or science.

I guess I really struggle with the fact that we have this whole world out there full of information that we admittedly are unable to interpret appropriately or completely, but that definitely conflicts with a lot of religious dogma, and the only answer to all of that is faith. I have a hard time understanding, or in a sense wanting to understand a divine, loving, creative being that throws all that in our face just to test us or whatever people out there want to think it is.

Well, I failed miserably to get anywhere near a point with any of this but I will leave it there because I am curious to see if firstly, anyone reads this, and secondarily, what anyone who actually gets to the end of this might have to say.

This is again, not meant to be an assault on anything anyone out there holds holy. I just feel that organized religion has spent thousands of years putting god in a box. A very small box that strictly defines what god is and gives god anthropomorphic features.

I mean it. I feel like I am being torn in half. I have faith and it has always been very important to me, and I realized recently that I need that faith, but I am really struggling because I have a hard time accepting, and even not hating, a creator who would make me the type of person I am, give me so many questions and so many wonderful things to think about and ponder upon, and then make me feel damned for not knowing where to draw the lines where it comes to what questions I am allowed to ask and all that.

Also, I do not believe that even if the concept of God and eternity and life and such I have been raised with and generally accepted is true, I do not believe that at death everything suddenly makes sense, I personally think that would thwart agency and really diminish the value and import of mortal existence, so please don't tell me to hold on and wait till I die when it will all make sense.

I hope I have gotten my general idea out there. I haven't even gotten to politics and the literalness of scripture (particularly the Bible) or the current composition of the Bible (how it was established which books were canonical and which apocryphal) and many other things that would definitely be taboo, or I perceive to be taboo, in many religious circles.

I realize my knowledge of the universe and life and divinity is definitely, and the universe and truth are infinite, so it may seem arrogant for me to ask some of these questions. I hope the sincerity of my questioning is apparent, as well as the futility I fee. Seriously, I go to church, and feel like I am on a rack. Pulled two directions. I either need to find a balance, or pray I break in such a way that whatever is left of me benefits from its position.

The Hard Easy

2009-01-27T19:41:00.000-08:00

The last few days I have been practivally obsessed with a concept that I am sure is nowhere near original and not really all that interesting. It has however, proven quite absorbing to me. This concept I have taken to calling in my mind the Hard Easy.

The Hard Easy refers to the situations in which the right choice, the right decision, the right action, is incredibly easy to determine, but the actual making of the choice is incredibly difficult. I have a few examples.

Eating a Krispy Kreme chocolate frosted cream filled donut or eating an apple for a snack.

Going for a family outing in the mountains or watching a football game with a bag of Fritos, some Spicy Qeso dip, and a 24 pack of Wild Cherry Pepsi.

Playing a game with or reading a story to my kids or sitting down to a quality family evening of whatever-the-hell happens to be on TV.

I guess I am making the assumption that certain activities contribute to a better quality of life than others. That some ways of living are superior to others.

Anyway. It is incredibly frustrating to me that it is so simple for me to determine the better course of action many of the choices I face, yet I continually struggle to take the right one.

Blarglebasfetghsdfjfdsa.............

IA

2009-01-26T00:52:00.000-08:00

Hello All.

It has been quite some time since I last posted on this Blog. I would like to blame laziness but the real reason is the fact that I have been at a location where I did not have access to internet that was not provided by the official military network. The military network uses a proxy that will not grant access to blogs or various other sites. I am stuck where I am right now for a few days but I do not anticipate being able to post anything again for quite a while. I intend to blog on a much more regular basis when I get home in a month or so.

Anyway, the title of this blog, comes from a new program I considered starting. It would be called Idealists Anonymous. Having reviewed the Twelve Steps, however, that comprise a crucial part of the Anonymous programs, I have discovered the futility of this all. The following is a breakdown of the Twelve Steps as well as an explaination of why the Twelve Steps are counterproductive to a program for helping Idealists.

1. We admitted we were powerless over idealism—that our lives had become unmanageable.

This step is actually doable. Any serious Idealist must eventually come to the realization that the ideal is never actually attainable. When the Idealist reaches the perceived ideal he or she will come to the conclusion that there is actually a higher ideal. Therefore while striving for the ideal is noble and great, one must accept that the ideal will not likely ever be reached. If the Idealist desires some sort of gratification or conclusion from reaching the ideal, he or she will be disappointed. As it is in the nature of the Idealist to never really give up on the possibility of reaching the ideal, failure, rather than being a one-time event, will continue until the Idealist becomes bitter and cynical, or dies (It must be noted that a extreme Idealist will likely die tragically in pursuit of the ideal).

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This step is one of the reasons why Idealists Anonymous could not suceed. The Idealist will likely have no problem accepting the existence of a power greater than himself or herself. However, that power would likely be so idealized that the Idealist would lose hope of ever actually communing with that idealized greater power and therefore could never realistically hope that that power would restore him or her to sanity (It should be noted that the Idealist was likely never really sane to begin with so it would be impossible for him or her to be returned to a state of sanity).

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

This step is problematic in that the Idealist would likely be more than happy to turn his or her will and life over to God. The problem comes in with the whole "as we understood Him" part. The Idealist would likely struggle to come to an idealistic understanding of a truly ideal being, which is what God must be to an Idealist.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

This step would probably be useful. Personal inventory can help anyone.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

These steps generally do not apply because Idealists generally seek to benefit others and therefore do not usually wrong them, although perhaps they do wrong those whose ideas are counter to the ideal. I also suppose there could be evil Idealists (I suppose you could call Hitler's obsession for racial purity an ideal) but evil Idealists would likely be the exception. Perhaps it should be BIA (Benevolent Idealists Anonymous)

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.

This step sounds great. The only concern I guess I would have is that the Idealist would so idealize God as to make it difficult for him or her to understand God's will.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Idealists, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

If, as I have heretofor maintained, the Twelve Steps would generally not benefit the Idealist, this last step would seem to be counterproductive, that is, unless you go for the whole misery loves company thing and want to see a group of totally bummed out Idealists.

The reason for all this silliness is I truly am an idealist and I am struggling in a lot of ways to determine what causes are worthy of my efforts. I truly want to make the world a better place. I want to change the world but it seems to me the world falls short of the ideal in every way possible so I need someplace to start. I joined the Army hoping to make a positive impact, and maybe I have, but in so doing I mainly serve the agenda of whoever it is that is giving me orders at any given time and the leaders of nations, though some of them might (and I emphasize some and might) be good people with clear and unselfish motives, nobody in power anywhere can claim to completely represent the greater good, which is for me the ideal. It seems in pursuing national interests we are often hurting the interests of others. Our own prosperity is often supported by the poverty and hunger of others. I have lost faith in any government to do what is right for the good of humanity. Historically governments have only benefited the governed to the extent that it benefited themselves. America is a great dream but I fear we fall fearfully short of the ideal.

Religion might be a good place to start, but again, many religions have been used by men to manipulate the masses. The cause of Zion is definitely a good cause, and there might be some sort of invisible hand where working solely for the cause and good of Zion will result in the betterment of humanity, but I fear that if we only worked on Zion we would tend to serve our own. We could build a marvelous golden city. I worry we might forget about the people in the mud outside our gates.

I guess maybe there is not a cause. Maybe you just have to do what you can in the realm in which you labour and hope you are bringing a little more light into the world.

Anyway, I need a cause. I really need a cause. I doubt anybody is even reading this anymore, but if you are, I could use some ideas.

Peace.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

2008-09-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

So,

I decided it was time to get another post out there. There have been two things on my mind recently and I think those are the things I will address.

I suppose I ought to say something about R&R. It has been alright. Actually, it has been great. I am not sure how to properly describe the whirlwind that this whole thing has been.

It is a real trip that you can get on a plane at Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan and about three days later walk through your front door. You go from a world with fighting and killing and all that suffering that goes on over there to walking through your front door and playing with your children.

Something that definitely made it real is while we were all out there waiting on the flight-line to hop on the massive transport that took us from Bagram to Kuwait I saw two HMMWVS with two flag-draped coffins. Then I saw the soldiers lining up for a Fallen Comrade Ceremony. Then I realized one of the other transports lined up on the flight-line had Dover on its tail. Dover is where they fly all the fallen for processing. Anyway, the whole point of this is I realized that those of us going on R&R weren’t the only ones starting the long trip home. I was going home to spend some time with my family, and two of my brothers were going home in boxes.

This whole trip has been great overall but it has been slightly dampened by the terminality of it all. It is hard to enjoy oneself too much with the realization unspoken yet inescapable realization that it is only for a couple of weeks.

Some highlights:

I got to know Danny and Danny got to know me.

I got lots of Emmy snuggles.

I got to spend quality time looking for animals and dinosaurs with Porter.

I had the chance to spend over a half hour chasing model trains along their line at the Ogden Union Station Train Museum.

I got to spend some time with my wonderful wife.

I got to get away from it for a while.

Again, however, it is a little bittersweet because it was a brief reprieve. It will definitely be a struggle going back.

The second thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is the whole not coveting thing. There isn’t really a whole lot that anybody else has that I want. I would love the financial freedom to be able to travel extensively and occupy myself with deep thoughts and humanitarian service, but really that is unrealistic so I am not overly hung up on it.

My struggle has been that I want to be able to write, and not just write, but write great things. I have to some degree coveted the abilities of the great writers I admire. I am beginning it is ridiculous to expect to do things like my favorite writers (Dostoevsky, Pasternak, Nabokov, and such). I recently read The Master and Margarita by Bulgakov. Great book. Bulgakov was satirically and obliquely critical of the Soviet government. His plays and other works were banned. He asked permission of the government to either emigrate, or be able to work somehow as a writer within the establishment. Stalin called him personally and asked him to stay.

Bulgakov gave up on his ever being able to make a living as a writer in the Soviet Union, or at least the type of writer he wanted to be. He worked in the Master and Margarita nearly 11 years. It was not completed at the time of his death. His wife gathered the manuscripts and notes years later and the book was published abroad and was instantly popular underground in Russia. Many of Bulgakov’s idiomatic critiques of life in the Soviet Union slipped immediately into common usage. The book was finally published, severely redacted, after the Soviets realized they could not subvert its influence.

Anyway the point of all this is Bulgakov, considered one of the great Russian writers of the 20^th century, died believing he was a failure, and his life’s work was fruitless. The greater point to me is it took him 11 years to write his Magnum Opus and he never saw it published. How should I expect to do nothing but dream and think through plots, and do nothing, and expect greatness.

I think the closest comparison I can come up with is the attitude of John Nash as portrayed in A Beautiful Mind, where he spent all his time trying to come up with a unique, innovative idea.

I want to write but I want everything I do to be innovative, different, and great. Not to compare myself to a genius like Nash, but essentially it is the idea of expecting my first work to be worthy of the Nobel Prize for literature.

It is arrogance and naivety of the worst sort.

As I was thinking about all this I came up with an thirdish topic.

War will always be the stupidest way possible to solve problems. There is no human endeavor more futile, senseless, and wasteful. However, it must be noted that it is actually occasionally a solution, and even more rarely, the only viable solution, to some very serious issues. Still, it is a waste and a travesty. I think those who have truly embarked to do battle, with pure motives, will be the first to reject war and embrace peace, when the time for peace has come. Anyone who would pursue war for any ulterior reason whatsoever can rot for all I care. War for the pursuit of economic benefit, plunder, territorial expansion, any of that, is criminal. The only good reasons for war are to protect the innocent, free the oppressed, defend life and liberty and family.

Enough ranting.

Lately I have been in a pretty big funk and I have been reading some stuff that affected me greatly and I plan to focus on that my next post.

Peace.

Midlife

2008-09-05T10:10:00.000-07:00

I think we are all flawed in some way or another. Maybe that is one of the most essential aspects of human existence. I also think that we are only really able to understand and make meaning of life through our own personal experiences. We are not necessarily completely self-absorbed (or at least we should strive not to be) but we really do see things one way, our own way. Perhaps occasionally we have are touched by a higher power that gives us a clarity we would not ordinarily have, but generally speaking, each one of us lives in his or her own me-centric universe. I have often wondered if others experience things the same way I do. Is blue for another person the same as blue to me. Are the shades all the same? Does a rose smell the same to everyone. Theoretically our sensory perceptions are all similar so all the things that we experience with our senses should be similar, but are they identical? I wonder if senses are like languages, where there are words that generally convey similar concepts across the linguistic spectrum. I have found that some things translate directly, like objects. Ideas however often do not translate directly. Perhaps that is the way it is with everything. Maybe our own individual ways of participating in the life experience are somewhat unique, and therefore do not translate precisely to others.

I start all this out because the more I experience, the more I develop, the more I realize how flawed I am as an individual.

My mom died when I was 11 years old. I think I was pretty close to my mom and it was pretty difficult for me. I have sort of built a mental barrier between the life I had before she moved on, and the life I now live. I can move beyond the barrier, but the images on the other side are not usually very clear. They are hazy, out of focus. With effort I could perhaps find clarity in the memories, but I think there is an at least subconscious, if not overtly conscious fear of the pain that could come with renewing that loss.

I mention all this because I think I definitely changed a lot when my mom died. It is as if I decided to be a man. I am not saying that I grew up immediately, but I think that in some ways I made a transition that should take years in a matter of days.

I married relatively young and was blessed with a wonderful family almost immediately. I think a part of me, was definitely not ready for all that.

My mom was 34 when she died. I am 29.

These two ideas I think sometimes combine in my mind to make me feel like a failure. Sometimes I look at my life and see nothing but failures.

We like to make lists. We like to map our lives and set goals and watermarks and we like to compare those lists to those around us. We like to wear our individual accomplishments like badges.

If I were to look at the list of things that a younger Joe would have made, some of the things would be checked off. Mission: check. Temple marriage: check. Family: check. There are a lot of things checked off. There are a lot that are not though, and for some reason it seems those are the ones we focus on. Graduate from college: blank. Become a spiritual giant: blank. Become a famous writer and change the world: blank.

A lot of the things that I have failed to check are probably unrealistic. They are highly idealized and romanticized.

What I occasionally realize in moments of unusual clarity is the importance of the things that have been checked.

Mission: two years in Siberia, serving a people I truly came to love, a people I still love. I miss the hard cold drab streets of Novosibirsk. I miss the hills and trees of Tomsk and Krasnoyarsk. I even miss Omsk, a city that truly hated us. I grew so much and had so many opportunities. I got to serve. I grew so much spiritually. I really developed into the person I am now there. One of the people I most look up to is Dostoevsky. After a sentence of death for conspiracy against the emperor was commuted, he spent five years in Siberia, in Omsk. It is interesting that the place where I probably grew the most in all my life is the place where he endured hard labor for five years.

Siberia is where they sent the dissenters, the troublemakers. Akademgorodok, outside of Novosibirsk, was probably the scientific center of the Soviet Union. Many great minds were shaped in the shadow of the taiga, sheltered from the blasting wind and punishing ice of long Siberian winters. That is where I grew up.

In the Army I have had opportunities I would have never imagined. I have been to Afghanistan twice. I have been to Germany once. I have seen and done things I would have never imagined. Many of them nobody but very few people will ever know about. I could have never imagined the things I have accomplished. Never.

My family, it has a big check with a circle around the whole thing, and is underlined three times, is wonderful. I have a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful wife who supports me and is incredibly patient. I have four beautiful children.

I suppose the deal with all this is it seems we tend to downplay the value of the things we have checked off of our list, and stress about the things that are not checked.

The success of our lives will not be determined by what boxes we have checked. It will be determined by who we are, what we have become. Really, the things we have done are only significant in that they shape and mold us. All that is good comes from God so what credit do we really get for the good things we do anyway? Our failures however are our own. I guess that might be where grace comes in. The good in us is Gods. The bad in us is our own. He uses His goodness to elevate us. His goodness is greater than our badness.

There are so many things that I have accomplished, that I have had the opportunity to do, by the grace of God, that were never on any list.

Enough.

We should allow our righteous aspirations, the ones that have not been checked, to serve as motivation to grow. We should seek to check them off. We also must never let our accomplishments define us. The Dead Sea is huge. It is one of the largest lakes in the world. It is dead though. It is stagnant. There is more life in a small pond where the water is fresh and moving, than in the whole of the dead sea. Life is motion.

Keep moving.

Back in sage and tan and...

2008-08-24T14:19:00.000-07:00

Well,

I've been a long time gone. Definitely too long. Honestly, maintaining a blog is a very difficult thing for me. One of the primary reasons is I always feel like I need to have something extremely meaningful or profound to say. I would hate for any of you (if anybody actually reads all this anyway) to waste your time on fluff.

Anyway, for any who are wondering, the title is a reference to the wonderful digitally pixelized colors of the Army Combat Uniform, which I have the privilege to wear daily over here. I am not really sure what color it actually is but...

Anyway, not much is going on over here. Well, I am sure a lot is going on over here, but not much is really going on in my little sphere of operation. I am going pretty much stir crazy. I feel like I am in a cage. It may come as a surprise to some out there but I really like people and I enjoy working with people. I think my pessimism might be occasionally confused for misanthropy. Oh well. Just shows that people are more complex than they appear. Layers. Onions... parfaits... I am probably an onion but that is alright. We all add our unique flavour to the human experience. Anyway, back to the tracks (another issue with blogging is I have an awful habit of becoming derailed). I absolutely hate Bagram because most of us are detached from the reality of Afghanistan. We will never see what it is about the people of Afghanistan that makes them worth saving. They will never see the children. They will never see the crouching cowering of blue-burqa-ed women, backs turned to the road, escaping the gaze of strangers.

Anyway, there is that saying that "a mind is a terrible thing to waste." I am discovering that a mind is a terrible thing. I have been lost in mine for the last month and a half or so and that is the reason for my silence. I have discovered that when I am able to lose myself in some sort of cause or service, when I am able subvert the ego, I am a much happier person. My greatest struggle with my mission here is most of my work goes on inside my head. I am unable to escape. The walls of my mind are in many ways more confining than the walls of the facility I work in, or even the Hesco/Concertina wire barriers that keep the bogeymen out. With my mind, the bogeymen are on the inside.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. None of them are complete. Some will likely be revisited. Some should probably be completely discarded.

More forthcoming.

Peace.

The Fallen...

2008-06-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

Hey All,

It has been a long time since I have posted. I guess I didn't really feel I had a lot to talk about. Actually, I think more realistically I have too much to talk about and I have not wanted to do a disservice to things that are important to me.

Bagram Airfield (BAF) is a big, loud, dusty, windy place. I work night shift. Basically I wake up, read my scriptures, shower, type off some type of deal to Ruth, go to work for 12 hours, come home, call home, workout at the gym, and try to sleep. Every five to six days I get a night off. Sundays I have Church. The mission I have is generally not overly challenging or fulfilling but it is necessary and I occasionally manage to do something that could potentially have an impact (take that to mean what you will).

Now for the meaning of the post title.

BAF is the last stop for all of the fallen sailors, soldiers, airmen, and marines killed in Afghanistan, before they start the long journey home to the loved ones they have left behind. Occasionally (far to often it seems) we have what is called a "Fallen Comrade Ceremony." Basically, what happens is everybody who is available lines up on Disney Road (the main road running through the base) and comes to attention and salutes the coffins as they pass down Disney from Mortuary Affairs to the flight line. The opportunity to honor my fallen comrades is probably the greatest privilege I will ever have in the military. My mission is such that I often feel detached from the fight. I don't even really feel like I am in Afghanistan. I could just as easily be at Dugway Proving Ground. Seeing the flag-draped coffins pass on the back of a HMMWV (Humvee) reminds me why I am here and why my mission is important. It makes me feel blessed to know that my small sacrifices, the things asked of me, will likely ensure that fewer of my fellow service-members take that last-long trip.

Juxtaposition

2008-03-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

I noted earlier that I have been watching way too much of The Office lately. I am totally hooked. Basically, at this point, I am just trying to get through the rest of Season Three and finish the unfortunately short Season Four so I can focus on all kinds of self-improvement and that kind of stuff. In my opinion, the people who write that show are total geniuses. What I have noticed more than anything (and maybe it stands out so much because I have seen so many episodes in such a short time) is the use of juxtaposition. There are so many situations where one character is dealing with some kind of a problem (often relationship issues) and the situation is either mirrored, or contrasted by another character. I would love to spend a whole week writing down examples, but I would really be wasting a whole lot of time. It is funny, and frustrating, that I have always wanted to be a writer, and the last few weeks I have realized how much I would enjoy writing reviews and essays on books, movies, or even TV shows. The only problem is I totally suck. Oh well, I guess it gives me something to think about. I wish I wasn’t interested in so many things. It would make deciding what to study and all that much, much easier.

Anyway.

Peace.

So, I just remembered that the names of episodes also have multiple meanings. It is all so well contrived. Wow.

Wasting my time...

2008-03-18T22:25:00.000-07:00

One of the many challenges most soldiers face during a deployment is boredom. It seems you are either very, very busy, or you have absolutely nothing to do. I guess that is where the whole discipline thing ought to take over. Honestly, I am not doing so hot with that right now. I have spent quite a bit of time running and working out and stuff, which is a good thing, but also quite a bit of time with my friends from Dunder Mifflin and eating junk food. I know I have announced an intent to quit the crap food, but some days go better than others.

So the challenge is to find the most appropriate way to deal with the boredom. I think that this next year will be a great opportunity for me to grow. The struggle is staying focused on the things that matter most.

I have some goals that I would definitely like to accomplish. I want to run my two mile in under 14 minutes. I want to be able to do 20 pull-ups. I want to lose at least 30 pounds. I want to get all my GEs out of the way so I can come home and finish school as quickly as possible.

This next year will probably be the most challenging time of my life. I will have certain duties and responsibilities that will be mandated by leadership, but I will also have the opportunity to improve myself.

I have been given a year to grow. I have to leave my family and many of my personal comforts. I will in many ways be less than a prisoner. One thing that becomes clearer to me with each day is the sacrifices that are made in the name of freedom. I think it would be fair to say that soldiers will potentially sacrifice life, liberty, and pursuit of their own personal happiness, in the name of freedom.

I struggle sometimes because I struggle to understand my country. I have very strong ideals and are sometimes ashamed at the things that are done under the auspices of security, freedom, and democracy.

I don't understand war. I don't know all the reasons we fight. I believe we, as a people, have a long, long way to go towards pursuing that elusive "more perfect union." I don't know all the reasons and motivations for the wars we are now fighting. What matters most to me is I fight because I believe in America, at least in the dream of what America could, and should be.

Anyway. My family has sacrificed much. They will sacrifice even more before this is all through. I will no longer waste my time.

I will however still allow myself some time with Michael, Pam, Jim, Stanley, Angela, Phyllis, Meredith, Dwight, Creed, Oscar, Toby, and all my other pals at Dunder Mifflin. Just maybe not quite so much.

Peace.

The Written Word

2008-03-14T22:14:00.000-07:00

I said it would be easier for me to pick a favourite book. It is. Sort of. I have a few favourites. There are reasons for each.

Les Miserables is always way up there on my list. I love Les Miserables because it is, in my opinion, the ultimate epic of redemption. I generally love romantic literature, and Hugo is the master of Romantic novelists. If I were too ever get a tattoo, it would likely be the numbers 24601. It is a goal of mine to someday read Hugo in French.

Lolita. People usually give me crap about this one. They can't get past the whole pedophile thing. Granted, Humbert Humbert is definitely one sick pervo, but Nabokov is the master of prose, and Lolita is his masterpiece.

Doctor Zhivago - I have to write about this one later. I don't even know where to start. If I could recommend one book, this is it. Boris Pasternak. Doctor Zhivago.

Anything by Dostoevsky. I have never had a book mess with my head like Crime and Punishment did when I read it as a senior in high school. The Brothers Karamazov is probably the most perfect novel ever written. The Idiot is awesome, albeit very, very Russian. Dostoevsky is a great story unto himself. He once stood in front of a firing squad, sentenced to death for subversion. His sentence was commuted to hard labour in Siberia. His insights on capital punishment, which occasionally arise in his books, are hauntingly personal. Dostoevsky, more than anybody, shaped my stance on capital punishment. I will write on that, as well as Dostoevsky later.

I would also have to recommend Reading Lolita in Tehran, by Azar Nafisi, and The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini. I will hit these books, along with Chaim Potok's Asher Lev books, later. I am not procrastinating. I just want to do my research.

These are my suggestions. I recommend any of the above-mentioned books. I am always open to suggestions as well. I am always looking for a great book.

Peace.

re: Still on the Wagon

2008-03-14T19:15:00.001-07:00

For those who have possibly become worried about me, I have not really been not sleeping lately. I am also not really concerned my Platoon Sergeant is trying to eat my spleen and I do not have a case of the itchies. I was just reading about heroin withdrawal and amplifying my sugar withdrawal symptoms in a failed attempt at humour.

I sincerely apologize to any recovering heroin addicts I may have offended (however since nobody actually reads this blog, I guess I am not really all that concerned).

Peace.

Still on the Wagon

2008-03-13T20:02:00.000-07:00

Well,

I have been off the sugar for about 20 hours now. I think I am doing pretty well, aside from the random muscle cramps. I think my Platoon Sergeant is trying to kill me because he wants to eat my spleen, but otherwise I am doing awesome. I itch all over and have not slept in 72... I mean 48 hours but, hey, life is great.

Peace.

Sugaholics Anonymous

2008-03-12T23:19:00.001-07:00

Hello. My name is Joe, and I'm a sugarholic.

Just so you know, I'm quitting sugar, at least high-sugar products. The way they make food nowadays it would almost be impossible to quit sugar (at least in the Army). But candy and pop and all that great stuff. No more. Same with chips and fries and junk. I will need support. I have not figured out how you can stage an intervention via blog yet but if you can figure it out...

Anyway, any of you who are becoming cardiologists or dentists probably think this is a bad idea as it could cost you a rather profitable customer. Tough beans. My pancreas will thank me.

Peace

Favorites

2008-03-12T22:47:00.000-07:00

Hello everybody!

So, I have been thinking the last little while about trees and birds and little bunnies and stuff like that and also about my favorite things (I prefer the British ou spelling in general so perhaps I should say favourite things -- even though the stupid blogger spell-checker thingy does not like favourite). I have come to the conclusion it is very difficult for me to list my favourite things. I really like books and music so those probably top the list, at least in the arena of humanly created objects. In the arena of music however, I cannot even come up with a favourite genre.

I guess my favourite music group would have to be U2. Among U2 songs, however, it is extremely difficult for me to chose a favourite. I think "God Part II" has probably influenced me more than any other U2 song, probably more than any one song period. A lot of my semi-radical social ideals were likely awakened by the lyrics (lyric as they would say in Ireland) to that song. I really like "Running to Stand Still" and "One Tree Hill", and even "Exit". "Bad" is just awesome. My favourite U2 love song is definitely "All I want is You" (which is not really all that difficult because it seems most U2 songs that are your Prom Theme type songs aren't really that great of love songs if one actually listens to the lyrics).

John Lennon's "Imagine" is among my favourite non-U2 songs but that is kind of way too popular, so that just seems too easy. I really like "Disarm" by the Smashing Pumpkins. The entire Toxicity album by System of a Down blows my mind. It is likely my favourite non-U2 album but I think the Cranberries' No Need to Argue is also a great album. The Counting Crows Films about Ghosts is great too but it is a greatest hits collection so it doesn't quite count. My favourite Country song would definitely have to be "The Dance" by Garth Brooks.

As I have been typing too, many songs have run through my head, trying to make their case for #1. Five for Fightings' "Superman", "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice, both awesome. "Welcome to the Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. I almost forgot about the Killers, who are probably my favourite new group out there... I give up. Music rules. Tomorrow I will write on books. That should be easier. I have definitely read far fewer books than I have listened to songs.

Anyway. If any of you out there are more decisive than me, and have some favourite song recommendations, or any music recommendations in general, I would appreciate them.

Peace.

Waxing Political

2008-03-09T06:47:00.000-07:00

I apologize in advance for the possible triteness of this post. I am a little grumpy and that tends to intensify the causticity of my rantings.

I noticed yesterday that one of my friends on Facebook has joined a group called Stop Hillary Clinton: (One Million Strong AGAINST Hillary). I am not particularly a Hillary Clinton fan, but I cannot help but wonder what the purpose of such a group could be. In my opinion it would be much more prudent to put any effort toward supporting whatever candidate you believe in than to join some organization dedicated to preventing the candidacy of somebody you don't like. I tend to wonder how many of the people that would belong to such a group know the reason why exactly they are so violently against Hillary Clinton. It would seem to me that there are people in both parties in much more prominent political positions than Senator Clinton who are guilty or corruptions, failures, and atrocities she has not even approached. Anyway... I guess it is all about what makes you feel hapy about yourself.

I personally like Obama. I liked Bill Richardson too, but he was obviously a long, long, long shot. The thing that really got me for Obama was his statement that he would engage nations like Iran and Cuba in dialog. I know that our policy of thumbing our noses at countries and saying we won't talk to them on any terms but our own has worked so well in the past. Especially when we are "friends" and have valuable trade agreements with such bastions of freedom and protectors of human rights as China, Paki(let's prosecute rape victims for adultery)stan and Saudi (don't even get me started) Arabia. I guess Caveman (walk drunkenly and flail madly about with a 40 pound club) Diplomacy has worked marvelously for us the last few years.

Anyway, enough. US Foreign Policy always gets me going. Who needs consistency, right.

Have a nice day.

Invictus

2008-03-08T06:50:00.000-08:00

"Invictus" was written by British poet William Ernest Henley. Henley contracted tuberculosis of the bone at age 12. He eventually had to have a foot amputated as a result. Still, he led a long, fruitful life. (Click here to read Wikipedia article about William Ernest Henley)

I feel this poem exhibits a wonderful defiance in the face of adversity. Please check it out.

Invictus

Personal Request

2008-03-08T06:45:00.000-08:00

Howdy howdy. I have a little request. If you happen to, by some misfortune, actually know me personally, I request that you refrain from posting comments of a personal nature. I appreciate hearing from all y'all and stuff, but I would prefer if you sent personal comments to my e-mail.

Peace, and thank you.

Poetry

2008-03-07T20:27:00.000-08:00

I love words. I love poetry. I think I will occasionally post a poem here or there. I love this one by Yeats. It is a good one. Enjoy!

An Irish Airman Foresees his Death

Introduction...

2008-03-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

Hello,

My name is Joseph. I am called Joe or Merkley or Merk. I am a husband, a father, a dreamer, and a soldier, basically in that order. I am also an idealistic, and like most idealists, a fool. I joined the Army not long after 9/11. I did not join the Army for glory, or honor, or revenge. I joined the Army because, as I mentioned earlier, I am a dreamer, an idealist, and a fool. I joined the Army because I believe in freedom, truth, and justice. I firmly espouse the values of liberte, egalite, fraternite.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (commonly called the Mormons), and as such I consider myself a Christian. There may be those who argue with that assertion but that is of no significance to me. I believe in Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. I believe him to be an example of perfect manhood. No man or woman has the right to judge the depth or sincerity of my faith. I seek in no way to defend or justify my beliefs. I know all too well that even the mighty and learned are unworthy of and incapable of sufficiently expounding and defending the truth. The Lord himself was often unsuccessful in convincing others of the veracity and justness of his "good-news", particularly in the case of those who considered themselves wise and learned in matters of religion.

Though I am a soldier, I am no lover of war. I am a lover of peace and freedom. I believe that the basic principles on which this country were founded were inspired of God. I believe every human being born into this world to be a child of the same God. I do not believe that the rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are the inherent rights of all people, regardless of national origin, gender, or ethnicity. I believe habeus corpus to be a divinely appointed and just right. I believe that torture is in all cases wrong. I believe that Americans, especially members of the United States Military, must treat all men, women, and children, to include the enemy, in a humane manner. I believe that anybody who promotes the denial of rights such as habeus corpus, who would advocate any practice that even borders on torture, who would deny constitutional and divinely appointed rights in the name of security, or justifies them as being necessary in the prosecution of the "Global War on Terror" is gravely mistaken and is doing much to support the cause of those terrorists we would seek to prevent, stop, and destroy. I believe that America will be great as a nation only if we hold ourselves to a ridiculously high standard. If we would be a light unto the world, a beacon of freedom and democracy, we must unwaveringly espouse and defend the principles of same. As I said, I am an idealist, a dreamer, and a fool.

My intent in starting this blog is to give me a clearinghouse for various thoughts and rants that might come to mind. If anybody reads what I have to write, good, I hope you benefit. If you disagree with something I have to say, I respectfully ask you to approach me in a productive manner. I welcome criticism, but please make it productive. I enjoy didactic and dialog. My only disclaimer is everything I write is based on my personal perceptions. I do not claim that my thoughts are representative of the LDS Church, the US Army, or any other organization to which I may belong or which I might mention.

Peace.