On Hope

So I am a really horrible blogger. I suppose in some ways that is acceptable to me. Primarily beause I believe I rather enjoy the fact that everybody out there can think what he or she will of me and not really have any insight into the real me making such judgements in my mind arbitrary and insignificant. On the other hand I benefit greatly from the process of writing out my thoughts and ideas because it requires me to actually put a concious efforts into which I should pull from the stream, which I should leave, and even which of the netted thoughts I should keep and which I should cast back.

I have been reading a wonderful book called Hope Against Hope by Nadezhda Mandelstam. At the beginnin of the book, before the introduction even, there is a copy of an obituary for Nadezhda Mandelstam written by Joseph Brodsky, a post Stalinist Soviet poet. Brodsky starts out his introduction thusly: "Of the eighty-one years of her life, Nadezhda Mandelstam spent nineteen as the wife of Russia's greatest poet in this century, Osip Mandelstam, and forty-two as his widow."

So basically the book is Nadezhda Mandelstam’s memoir of life as the wife of a banned poet under the Stalin regime. It is a fascinating read. Much of the book has been more on philosophy and an explication of various attitudes prevalent in Soviet Russia before, during, and after various purges. One of the main ideas Mandelstam keeps going back to is the failure of humanism in Soviet Russia. I am fascinated by humanism and therefore find this very interesting. Anyway, earlier I blogged about a book I was reading called The Stalin Epigram by Robert Little about a scathing poem Osip Mandelstam (Nadezhda’s husband) wrote about the one he dubbed in the original version, “the Kremlin mountaineer,” and the aftermath of the poem’s writing. That novel got me interested in the story of Mandelstam and his widow’s memoir is marvelously insightful. It makes me want to study the greats of the Stalin era, Bulgakov, Mandelstam, Pasternak, and many others of whom I have not yet heard. It also makes me want to study poetry. Not just the reading but the writing.

There were some other things I wanted to blog about too but I do not think I will get to them tonight. They are just not quite ready yet, and they are to me quite dear.

Things I hate

I have been wanting to say something for quite a while. I wanted to explain myself a bit, what has been going on with me. At this point I don't think there is really anything I can say. I fear those I love and care for will not understand or be unable to accept the things I have to say. And I do not want anyone to feel I am railing against something that is very dear to them.

Every once in a while something really ticks me off. I figured I would put some of that out there.

I hate jewelry. I struggle with the material nature of so many western pursuits. I think jewelry embodies it all. Particularly diamonds. Diamonds in the west are worth than the lives of people in the developing world. Diamonds that are so common they should be practically worthless. But diamonds are forever and every kiss begins with Kay and la di da...

So I hate jewelry. I don't hate people who like jewelry. I just don't understand them. I could call it a man thing but I don't think that is it. It is the meaning people put on bright shiny objects. It is the obsession with tiny treasures.

I hate it when people assume that since I am in the military I share their conservative political views. Or I am inherently incapable of valuing liberal values. Just because I wear a uniform most the time does not mean I want to have a "tea party." Nor do my liberal ideals mean I want to burn the flag and smoke some good shit doing it. While I am in uniform there are no politics, my job is my job, my orders are my orders, and I do what I have to. I hope to be part of making the world a better place. That is why I serve. And I do not like the assumptions people make about my personal values and beliefs based simply on the fact that I serve.

I hate narrowmindedness and bigotry. I value and honor and am even sworn to defend the right of people to believe and say whatever they want. I hate it when people get caught up in their own xenophobic paradigm and do not realize they are doing it. If I could do anything to make the world a better place it would be to show people how to see the other side of an issue, the one that they don't understand and don't want to understand. Show them they do not have to accept it or support it or change their values, but I wish I could at least get people to open their eyes.

I hate the romanticised and idealised model of history people are caught up in. I hate the nostalgia for the good old times when the beautiful worked hard and happy and everybody lived their separate but unequal dream.

I hate that there is nothing I can do bout it all. I can scream into the lion's maw and spit into the wind. But my words will only be swallowed in the roar and I will choke on my own phlegm.

Most of all, I hate that I must scream. I hate that I am driven to do so and must do so and can't stop. I seek a madman (or woman) in the wilderness, one I can follow. The only worthy mesage is just a rehash of the only one that really matters. Treat others right. And love.

Perspective

I think I would have to consider myself a slave to introspection. My greatest difficulties are to both get over myself and get out of myself. Lately I have, as always, been thinking a lot, and right now I would have to say my biggest focus is perspective. I realize I need to put my own life into perspective. I also think a lot of other issues our society faces could be mitigated with a little perspective.

I had to go to a conference for work the other day. I generally hate conferences and this one did not for the most part change my attitude. There was however one aspect of the conference that was very positive for me. We watched a movie called Taking Chance. It is an HBO production, starring Kevin Bacon, that is based on a journal kept by a Marine LTC who volunteered to serve as escort to the body of fallen PFC Chance Phelps from Dover Delaware to his parents’ home town in Wyoming.

It is a heart wrenching film. Bacon does an incredible job. I think this film would be beneficial to just about every American, regardless of his or her feelings on the military or the formerly named “War on Terror” or any of that. I believe this film transcends politics and policy. It helped me put a lot of things into perspective.

The other thing I have been doing lately that has really made me think is reading a book called The Stalin Epigram. It is the dramatization of the events surrounding the composition of a poem titled “The Stalin Epigram” by the poet Osip Mandestam. The poem was written largely as a response to the forced collectivization imposed on the peasants, particularly of Ukraine. This collectivization was a key part of Stalin’s domestic policy and the results were absolutely tragic.

There are two perspectives I see from this novel. The lesser and more petty is I would love to send Fox News and a whole lot of other right wing loudmouths back to the times of the purges in the USSR or the Cultural Revolution in China and let them see what the reality actually is of a brutally oppressive leftist regime. Regardless of peoples’ thoughts about President Obama, anyone who compares him to Stalin or Mao (or Hitler for that matter) is an absolute imbecile. President Obama may be making moves that would push us further left politically, but it is more in the modern German/French/British/Canadian/Swedish etc. etc. etc. version of left, not Soviet or Maoist left. I also think that people should remember that everything being done is being done through the political mechanisms provided by the Constitution and US Code and all that. People are more than free to vote the current government out of power and completely marginalize the President in 2010. I don’t think that will happen personally but, you know, whatever.

The other perspective or perhaps conclusion I am gaining from this reading is I think I want to make my life work the study of Soviet Literature, or perhaps I should say subversive Soviet literature. Considering my favorite works are by Pasternak and Bulgakov, I think I would get a lot of personal gratification/fulfillment from studying these works. I think there are lessons to be learned from the courageous writings of Pasternak, Bulgakov, Solzhenitsyn, and others. I think I will even try to study them in Russian as well as English.

So that is what is going on in my head lately…

Naissance

It should probably be obvious that I did not deliver on my last promise. What ultimately happened is I realized how stupid and arrogant it would be for me to spout off on something I read in a book as though I have some sort of expertise in the matter. Ultimately I think it was a good read and very informative but I basically concluded that my thoughts were not really necessary. I am a little disappointed actually because I believe a lot of what was in the book was pretty spot on and now I have to live with the burden of knowing. It is so much easier to wander blindly than walk in the light. Especially for a pathetic excuse of an idealist such as myself.

Anyway. I intend to write, I am not sure what I will write. But I intend to write. Post. Whatever. I just have to figure out what is going on. I think I have some ideas but I will have to see how they flush out.

So for now my mind is under construction and this page is a little dusty. Pardon my gray matter. Or dust. Whatever....

Upcoming Posts

Hello all.

I have been horribly remiss in blogging. I will make it more of a priority. The main reason is I have a tendency to get a bee in my bonnet over something and want to rant about it a little, but in most cases I have no expert or even amateur knowledge/experience with the issue on which I would rant. Also, most of the things I get really upset about are political "like what I perceive to be Republican hypocrisy/betrayal of conservative values (for purposes of disclosure I consider myself liberal, but if conservatism was actually believed in by the GOP I would almost be torn between the two ideologies, but that is for another rant session), or the things that interest me are not all that interesting to most people, like the fact that a lot of Irish people pronounce terminal "t" in words more "th" than "t" (i.e. "whath").

Anyway, part of the reason I have been bad about blogging is I am a lazy sack. Another reason is the fact that I have been occupied with a couple of online classes this summer at Weber State University. For those who actually care, I hate online courses, although things are evidently going well for me, at least from a grade perspective.

As part of my POLS 1100 class (which is one of those lame generals that I probably didn't have to take but wanted to because I am still a little torn between English and Poly Sci for my BA but has been actually fairly enjoyable and informative, though it would have been much more fun to attend lectures) I am required to do some "Get involved" projects, among which are book reviews and essays and all sorts of wonderful activities. I have put this off to the last few weeks of the course and am getting cracking on it. So basically I am going to be posting that stuff on my blog as well as turning it in.

Right now I am reading a book called The Dark Side: The Inside Story of how the War on Terror turned into a War on American Ideals by Jane Mayer. I will be posting my review in about a week or so I would imagine. So far I am pretty impresses. I figured it would be fairly biased against the previous administration (though I prefer the term regime). While the purpose of the book is definitely to point out actions and misteps taken by the Bush government, it also focuses, at least initially, on general administrative failures across the board, both by the Bush and Clinton administrations. Also, so far the information is essentially factual. Many of the key decisions and steps the Bush administration took in prosecuting their "Global War on Terror" are presented as being the wrong ones. Those who think Bush and his people crossed some lines and are truly responsible for weakening the US politically, economically, and diplomatically in the cause of fighting terror will likely be shocked by much of the information presented in the book. On the other hand, those who think the administration was completely justified and successful in all the things it did will be disappointed by the presentation of the information, in that the conclusions of the author are definitely that things went terribly wrong. However, I believe they would have a hard time arguing the facts. They would simply argue that the steps the administration took were well-intentioned and necessary. Overall it has been an incredibly interesting read, although as an idealist, and stauncher believer in American ideals and values, it has made me very angry at times reading some of the stuff that was done. My bottom line is that those who are willing to sacrifice democratic values and institutions in the name of security are letting terrorists win. My actual review will be less biased, but I think I will probably have a lot to say in later blogs about this. Granted, this also probably shines a light on my own hypocrisy in that I feel economic regulation and such are long-overdue and there are a lot of conservatives out there that feel that is a betrayal of key American values. I guess that is why I am a liberal. I care more about protecting human dignity and civil liberties than I do about security and corporate autonomy. Invisible hand be damned.

Anyway, this was just a heads up. I hope the stuff I have to say will be at least informative. My intent is not to spew diatribes in order to achieve high ratings among the grazing masses, just to get my thoughts out there and hopefully provoke introspection.

Joe

In Memoriam

On the night of 18 February, 2009, my unit was packed into a terminal at Bagram Airbase, waiting to board the flight that would take us on our first leg home. We had cleared customs and gone through all the administrative rigamarole involved in the large movement of troops, and were spraweled about, reading, watching movies on the terminal widescreen televisions, dozing, playing cards, chatting; in general waiting. At about 2300 (I don't recall the time exactly) we were ordered out of the terminal down to the road that enters onto the runway. There was a fallen comrade ceremony. There was quite a bit of grumbling and grousing, but everybody filed out and lined both sides of the road. Many of us lacked the required reflective belt (mandated to be worn by all personnel during times of limited visibility) and joked that maybe the MPs would bust us on our way home. Then everybody quieted down as the headlights made the turn at Four Corners and headed our way. One after another, going down the line on either side of the roadm we snapped to attention and offered our salute as the flag-draped coffin laden HMMVWs slowly passed. Our last opportunity to pay our respects to the fallen prior to departing Afghanistan. Like us, our brothers were going home. Their loved ones were waiting for them too. Their arrival, much like ours, would be greeted with tears and flowers. But instead of joy, these would be tears of sorrow, lament, anguish.

Today is a very difficult day for me. Being a soldier I used to hate the fact that I had never served in combat. It was difficult for me to be safe at home with my family, getting fat and having a good time, while my brothers and sisters were in harms way. I wanted to have the Campaign ribbon on my chest, the patch on my right shoulder. Then I would be able to feel like I had arrived, I had done my part.

The truth is, now it is far harder than it was before. Deployment was hard. Very very hard at times. However there is something special about having a singularity of purpose. There is a strength and comfort in knowing what your duty is, and believing you have the resources and training necessary to do what has to be done. If you don't have the resources, you know you can make do. Every minute of every day is about protecting those with whom you serve. I sometimes miss that singlemindedness, that clarity of purpose.

I watched the National Memorial Concert last night. My bishop told me about it and said that it is about the only thing he watches every year. So I tuned in. It was incredible. It renewed my focus, reminded me why I serve.

It is sometimes easy for the introspective and reflective among us to get caught up in ideologies and policies. And that is important. However, I realized that that is not a soldier's lot. While I do and will disagree with some of the decisions politicians make, that is not my realm. It is not my concern. My job is to uphold the Constitution of the United States, and defend freedom.

One of the pieces performed last night at the concert was the Battle Hymn of the Republic. I love that song. There is one verse that sums up the reason why I chose to serve, my ultimate ideology.


In the beauty of the lilies Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in His bosom that transfigures you and me:
As He died to make men holy, let us die to make men free,
While God is marching on.


I joined the Army because I believe there is good to be done in this world. I believe that men and women must be free. Last night reminded me that regardless of policy, I know why I serve. I don't know why, but I have been blessed with so much. I cannot be active in trying to improve the world for the less fortunate.

Perfection

I am a perfectionist. Those of you who know me may not really realize it. I am not necessarily all that great or thorough in many of the things I do. Therefore I will give my personal insights on perfectionism.

I think that perfectionism is almost like a disease. I suppose it would be more of a mental ailment. When strictly harnessed and reined in it can be a very useful tool. When uncontrolled it can be a destructive monster.

There are, in my opinion, three categories of perfectionist. The first is the one who is totally driven by a compulsion to be as absolutely perfect at something as is possible. Not necessarily as is humanly possible, but as is possible. These are the people who are so wrapped up in the pursuit of perfection in whatever area they feel the compulsion that they neglect the other aspects of their life. They endlessly pursue learning or fitness or the perfect body, often to the detriment of family or work or even health. These people are incredibly successful in very specific aspects of their lives, but they are discontent in their successes. Since perfection is ultimately unattainable they fail. Their drive for perfection destroys them.

There is a second category of people who have a drive for perfection who are able use that drive to progress and grow and attain their goals. They are able to use their desire to attain perfection to the degree that they are extremely successful in what they do. At the same time they are able to put things into a more healthy perspective than the first group, and therefore they have healthier relationships and happier lives. These types of perfectionists are just as driven as the first group, but they are able to, if not accept limits, at least acknowledge them.

I fit into the third category. It is a category of people who are compelled to be perfect in everything they do, but they fear that they will fail in any pursuit they might attempt so they don't try. Their fear of failure is greater than their need to excel. They are often successful to a degree, but they fall far short of their. Where those in the first group of perfectionists eventually burn out, those in the last group atrophy.

Thus I am a perfectionist. I could spend a great deal of time listing the things that I have not done or attempted in my life because I fear I will not succeed. I don't really think I can appropriately it as a fear of failure so much a fear of not excelling. For people like me it is not enough to be good, or okay, or adequate. We have to be great, and the possibly of not attaining greatness is staggering.

It is essentially a case of ego. The problem is, I don't know how to fix the situation. I really feel a compulsion to excel. An example is that I always wanted to be a writer. I can't write though. I do not want to write something mediocre. I don't even want to write something good. It always has to be great. I get totally overwhelmed by all the details inherent in trying to create something perfect that I don't even know where to start. Writing is an exercise. In order to become a strong writer one must write and write and write and rewrite and write some more until there is an outline of something good, and then write some more. My struggle is that every word must be perfect the first time. Each sentence strong. My ego will not let me write something that is not the best, but I realize that is not likely possible, so I do not write.

Pathetic, I know. But how does one go about facilitating a complete mental transformation? How does one overcome such a fundamental personality flaw.

A line...

So I guess I need to start out by admitting the fact that my last posting "A seed..." probably seemed both arrogant and naive. Arrogant because I realize there are a lot of people intellectually superior to myself (some of whom are reading this) who are able to reconcile their faith with their learning. The naivete in that I am far from the first person to question or to struggle with the limited nature of his or her understanding of things.

I do struggle though. I struggle with the simple things. The things you are supposed to take for granted. It seems we live in a world where we are constantly looking for limits. We are constantly drawing lines in the sand. My struggles are to some degree due to the fact that I have tried to avoid limits (intellectually at least) and to abstain from drawing lines. I am constantly trying to understand things from as many perspectives as possible. Essentially I do not want my own preconceived notions or attitudes to influence my perceptions or understandings of various situations or issues.

I am beginning to realize that there are some lies that must be drawn. There are some assumptions that are crucial to faith, of any type. Those assumptions are lines that cannot be crossed. The assumption that Joseph Smith was a prophet, he translated the Book of Mormon, and he was the instrument of the restoration of the priesthood and Christ's church on Earth, the fact that there are certain necessary saving ordinances that are attainable only through that priesthood, and the acceptance of Jesus Christ as the Son of God, the promised Messiah, and Savior of the world. There are a lot of things that I can easily dismiss as irrelevant because I so not really see a relevance to my personal salvation (such as the role of dinosaurs in God's plan). There are areas that are more difficult for me. I struggle for example with the literalness of scripture. I struggle with the role of personal revelation. I struggle with the disconnect between the Gospel and the Culture.

Basically most of the stuff that bugs me is immaterial and petty. A lot of it does not matter. I guess to me it comes down to a conscious decision on my part to accept the things that I have to accept Take the givens. It has worked out for me so far. I have a good life and I have been blessed. I guess it comes down to the whole faith thing.

I do not know if I really see the spiritual fruits of my faith. However, the fruits of the life I have lived due to my efforts to live by my faith (albeit imperfectly) are very tangible and they are great.

I guess in my case it comes down to simple faith (which for me is far from simple). I don't know if I will ever find answers. I don't know if God will ever give them to me.

So I'm back to the seed...

A seed...

Well,

I haven't posted for a while. I have been contemplating many things and I have balked at trying to broach the topics that interest or concern me at this point in my life. I struggle with my inadequacy at expressing myself. Anyway. I figured I would give it a shot.

First off, some housekeeping type business. I have opened my blog. Mainly because I am no longer in Afghanistan and therefore unlikely to accidentally let something slip that could compromise "operational security" (although it is not my intent to focus on military type issues or expound on my own personal military experiences, though they have to a great degree been critical to the formation of my current concept of self). Also, I have occasionally feared that some of my thoughts could possibly be viewed as being overly politically opinionated for a member of the military (although I have never ever ever intended to speak as a military person). So if anybody is actually reading this, and feels that someone he or she knows might be interested in a certain topic or posting or whatever, it is now shareable.

I know the title of my blog "Merklemania" is silly, but I will explain it. I had the privilege of serving in the Siberian city of Tomsk for around 9 months as a missionary. In the late 90s Siberia was a bit behind western Russia in a lot of things so a lot of things Communist (such as the statues of Lenin) were still standing. I was walking to district meeting with my companion, two elders, and two sisters (basically my district) and we happened to traverse Lenin Square. At that time Lenin was still standing there (and he may still be). I commented that one day, in the future, my statue would be standing in Lenin's place. One of the sisters (who is Ukrainian) commented that I was suffering from delusions of grandeur. In Russian that is more literally stated "mania of greatness". Thus, Merkle-mania. Now to get the train back on the tracks.

I am about to touch on something that is pretty sensitive. I am doing so mainly because I want some ideas from people out there regarding what I have to say. The topic is one that is to most, considered untouchable, so I ask for some patience and understanding in this.

In Alma 32 (in The Book of Mormon) Alma says that faith is like a seed. You plant it and nurture it and if you do everything it will grow and the fruit will be great. I am honestly getting to the point in my life that I feel I have been watering and watering and waiting... And the only real fruit I see is more faith. Not denying that I am blessed and I feel a divine hand in my life, but I don't know that I can attribute that necessarily to a certain (what seems to me) restrictive and dogmatic concept of God. I am not, in saying this, declaring open war on religion, or my own particular religion, I am just trying to come to grips with myself and God and the universe and everything.

I struggle because I feel I am being torn in two all the time. I guess it is the whole two masters thing. I know there are many people wiser and intellectually superior to college degree not holding me who handle the whole religion thing fairly well, so I am interested on whatever input you might have. Please, however, I beg, plead, exhort, beg, do not answer my questions or concerns with a testimony or the response that I just need to have more faith. I understand that perspective. I struggle with discussing serious matters with religious people due to the fact that it seems people are trained to respond to question with something along the lines of "I know without a shadow of a doubt from the depths of my soul that..." Not to denigrate the faith or beliefs that I know are very important to a lot of people out there, but I understand that perspective, in fact it is the very thing I find myself struggling with.

My battle is between two powers that are very important to me. Faith and reason. I feel torn because what I have been taught to believe, and generally accepted in the past, to be a loving, fatherly god-figure, gave me a brain that is constantly asking questions. He gave me (all humans really) the ability to question and judge and to some degree understand. And then it seems he expects me to turn that whole part of me off whenever it comes to anything that could possibly fall into the strictures of a certain religion, which is guess is really the crux of my problem. Maybe it is because I feel I am living in a very myopic culture, overly dependent on conventions that I do not be leave to be inherent in the Law or the Good News, or the divine Plan. Maybe I have had excessive exposure to the outside world, Babylon, call it what you will, and seen too much beauty and good external to the ranks of the Chosen or the Righteous or the Saints. Maybe I am just deficient. A lot of "religious" types tend to think that if you struggle or you question that you are somehow either deficient, or a serious sinner. I do not consider myself perfect, but I do not think I am a heavy sinner, nor do I feel I am deficient, so I am putting my thoughts out there to get feedback from people I respect, not only personally, but also intellectually.

It seems to me the more organized a religion is, the stricter and more confining its definition of divinity is, and also the greater it conflicts with science.

I guess the clearest example to me is the conflict between Christ and Darwin. More appropriately the conflict between the "followers" of Jesus, and the "disciples" of Darwin. It seems to me that is the clearest line of demarcation between religion and reason. Or at least between the more highly structured conservative Christian type religions and science. People read in the Bible (which many in the first group strongly, strongly believe to be completely and definitely literally true and infallible) that man was created on day six in the image of God, and they accept that to be unassailable truth, and therefore not only discount the theory of evolution in its entirety, along with things like natural selection, but pretty much a great deal of biological and social science progress that has developed since Darwin.

I am not saying I necessarily believe that man came down from monkeys who came down from some sort of less complex mammal who came down from some sort of proto-mammalian reptile who came down from some sort of amphibian who came from some sort of soup who came down from a bunch of goopy cells millions-billions of years ago. What I struggle with is the idea that the things we are able to observe personally, first-hand, like the fossil record, all kinds of anthropological, geological, and tangible stuff are often put in direct conflict, by religious people, with deity, and at the same time all things divine or deistic are under steady assault by men and women or science.

I guess I really struggle with the fact that we have this whole world out there full of information that we admittedly are unable to interpret appropriately or completely, but that definitely conflicts with a lot of religious dogma, and the only answer to all of that is faith. I have a hard time understanding, or in a sense wanting to understand a divine, loving, creative being that throws all that in our face just to test us or whatever people out there want to think it is.

Well, I failed miserably to get anywhere near a point with any of this but I will leave it there because I am curious to see if firstly, anyone reads this, and secondarily, what anyone who actually gets to the end of this might have to say.

This is again, not meant to be an assault on anything anyone out there holds holy. I just feel that organized religion has spent thousands of years putting god in a box. A very small box that strictly defines what god is and gives god anthropomorphic features.

I mean it. I feel like I am being torn in half. I have faith and it has always been very important to me, and I realized recently that I need that faith, but I am really struggling because I have a hard time accepting, and even not hating, a creator who would make me the type of person I am, give me so many questions and so many wonderful things to think about and ponder upon, and then make me feel damned for not knowing where to draw the lines where it comes to what questions I am allowed to ask and all that.

Also, I do not believe that even if the concept of God and eternity and life and such I have been raised with and generally accepted is true, I do not believe that at death everything suddenly makes sense, I personally think that would thwart agency and really diminish the value and import of mortal existence, so please don't tell me to hold on and wait till I die when it will all make sense.

I hope I have gotten my general idea out there. I haven't even gotten to politics and the literalness of scripture (particularly the Bible) or the current composition of the Bible (how it was established which books were canonical and which apocryphal) and many other things that would definitely be taboo, or I perceive to be taboo, in many religious circles.

I realize my knowledge of the universe and life and divinity is definitely, and the universe and truth are infinite, so it may seem arrogant for me to ask some of these questions. I hope the sincerity of my questioning is apparent, as well as the futility I fee. Seriously, I go to church, and feel like I am on a rack. Pulled two directions. I either need to find a balance, or pray I break in such a way that whatever is left of me benefits from its position.

The Hard Easy

The last few days I have been practivally obsessed with a concept that I am sure is nowhere near original and not really all that interesting. It has however, proven quite absorbing to me. This concept I have taken to calling in my mind the Hard Easy.

The Hard Easy refers to the situations in which the right choice, the right decision, the right action, is incredibly easy to determine, but the actual making of the choice is incredibly difficult. I have a few examples.

Eating a Krispy Kreme chocolate frosted cream filled donut or eating an apple for a snack.

Going for a family outing in the mountains or watching a football game with a bag of Fritos, some Spicy Qeso dip, and a 24 pack of Wild Cherry Pepsi.

Playing a game with or reading a story to my kids or sitting down to a quality family evening of whatever-the-hell happens to be on TV.

I guess I am making the assumption that certain activities contribute to a better quality of life than others. That some ways of living are superior to others.

Anyway. It is incredibly frustrating to me that it is so simple for me to determine the better course of action many of the choices I face, yet I continually struggle to take the right one.

Blarglebasfetghsdfjfdsa.............

IA

Hello All.

It has been quite some time since I last posted on this Blog. I would like to blame laziness but the real reason is the fact that I have been at a location where I did not have access to internet that was not provided by the official military network. The military network uses a proxy that will not grant access to blogs or various other sites. I am stuck where I am right now for a few days but I do not anticipate being able to post anything again for quite a while. I intend to blog on a much more regular basis when I get home in a month or so.

Anyway, the title of this blog, comes from a new program I considered starting. It would be called Idealists Anonymous. Having reviewed the Twelve Steps, however, that comprise a crucial part of the Anonymous programs, I have discovered the futility of this all. The following is a breakdown of the Twelve Steps as well as an explaination of why the Twelve Steps are counterproductive to a program for helping Idealists.

1. We admitted we were powerless over idealism—that our lives had become unmanageable.

This step is actually doable. Any serious Idealist must eventually come to the realization that the ideal is never actually attainable. When the Idealist reaches the perceived ideal he or she will come to the conclusion that there is actually a higher ideal. Therefore while striving for the ideal is noble and great, one must accept that the ideal will not likely ever be reached. If the Idealist desires some sort of gratification or conclusion from reaching the ideal, he or she will be disappointed. As it is in the nature of the Idealist to never really give up on the possibility of reaching the ideal, failure, rather than being a one-time event, will continue until the Idealist becomes bitter and cynical, or dies (It must be noted that a extreme Idealist will likely die tragically in pursuit of the ideal).

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This step is one of the reasons why Idealists Anonymous could not suceed. The Idealist will likely have no problem accepting the existence of a power greater than himself or herself. However, that power would likely be so idealized that the Idealist would lose hope of ever actually communing with that idealized greater power and therefore could never realistically hope that that power would restore him or her to sanity (It should be noted that the Idealist was likely never really sane to begin with so it would be impossible for him or her to be returned to a state of sanity).

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

This step is problematic in that the Idealist would likely be more than happy to turn his or her will and life over to God. The problem comes in with the whole "as we understood Him" part. The Idealist would likely struggle to come to an idealistic understanding of a truly ideal being, which is what God must be to an Idealist.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

This step would probably be useful. Personal inventory can help anyone.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

These steps generally do not apply because Idealists generally seek to benefit others and therefore do not usually wrong them, although perhaps they do wrong those whose ideas are counter to the ideal. I also suppose there could be evil Idealists (I suppose you could call Hitler's obsession for racial purity an ideal) but evil Idealists would likely be the exception. Perhaps it should be BIA (Benevolent Idealists Anonymous)

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.

This step sounds great. The only concern I guess I would have is that the Idealist would so idealize God as to make it difficult for him or her to understand God's will.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Idealists, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

If, as I have heretofor maintained, the Twelve Steps would generally not benefit the Idealist, this last step would seem to be counterproductive, that is, unless you go for the whole misery loves company thing and want to see a group of totally bummed out Idealists.

The reason for all this silliness is I truly am an idealist and I am struggling in a lot of ways to determine what causes are worthy of my efforts. I truly want to make the world a better place. I want to change the world but it seems to me the world falls short of the ideal in every way possible so I need someplace to start. I joined the Army hoping to make a positive impact, and maybe I have, but in so doing I mainly serve the agenda of whoever it is that is giving me orders at any given time and the leaders of nations, though some of them might (and I emphasize some and might) be good people with clear and unselfish motives, nobody in power anywhere can claim to completely represent the greater good, which is for me the ideal. It seems in pursuing national interests we are often hurting the interests of others. Our own prosperity is often supported by the poverty and hunger of others. I have lost faith in any government to do what is right for the good of humanity. Historically governments have only benefited the governed to the extent that it benefited themselves. America is a great dream but I fear we fall fearfully short of the ideal.

Religion might be a good place to start, but again, many religions have been used by men to manipulate the masses. The cause of Zion is definitely a good cause, and there might be some sort of invisible hand where working solely for the cause and good of Zion will result in the betterment of humanity, but I fear that if we only worked on Zion we would tend to serve our own. We could build a marvelous golden city. I worry we might forget about the people in the mud outside our gates.

I guess maybe there is not a cause. Maybe you just have to do what you can in the realm in which you labour and hope you are bringing a little more light into the world.

Anyway, I need a cause. I really need a cause. I doubt anybody is even reading this anymore, but if you are, I could use some ideas.

Peace.